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How to Truly Play Big

I always disliked the expression “put on your big girl panties” and I’m not quite sure why.  Maybe because it just felt a little demeaning.

But, the more I look at our economy, the more I realize that the government is not going to provide the solution.  So we each have to take personal responsibility for triggering its jump-start.  And what that phrase says, when we don’t have our big girl panties on, is that we’re still acting from a place of dependence.  Of little girl excuse-making.

If you’re a regular reader of mine, you know my stand on personal responsibility.  Well, here’s another take on it.

A few nights ago, I heard an interview with a guy from Goldman Sachs.  I normally think of them as the bad guys, for the role they played in helping topple the economy in 2008. But this guy in particular was worth listening to.  Jim O’Neill is the CEO of Asset Management for them.  He and Charlie Rose were discussing where the world economy – as well as ours – is going.

In talking about Europe, O’Neill mentioned that one of the biggest problems Italy has is that only 40% of its women are involved in economic activity and that the brain power, the IQ power of women in that country is being wasted.

It made me stop and think of the role of women in the world economy … and in ours.  It made me realize that if any of us is playing small, then we’re not putting out our full woman brain power … woman IQ … woman ability … woman power in general.

If ever there was a time, this is a time when we do need to play big.  We have the ability to make a difference in our economy.  The sum of the parts – the efforts of millions of women – can get this economy going.  Bit by bit.  Day by day.  But we have to get past our own head stuff.

Anything we have that’s holding us back ultimately holds everything back.  I’m not saying that we’re the cause of the problem … but I’m saying we can be the solution to the problem.

So I’m going to look in more detail at the same nine steps I wrote about in last week’s article entitled “Time to Stop Playing Small” and how those steps can help you “Play Big.”  I hope you’re in this with me, because I think we can be the real hope and change.

1.    Get your head out of the sand:  Accept that you are an intrinsic part of the economy, even if just one cog in the wheel.  (Each cog counts!)  If nothing has changed in what you’ve been doing for the last three or four years, it’s time to look at it now.

2.    Get real about your life and your money:  Most people are living in some fantasy world and have not looked honestly at what’s important and what’s not in their lives.  If that’s your case, you’re basically running on automatic.  Same goes for your money.  If you don’t know exactly how much you make and how much you spend, you’re not being honest.

3.    Stop procrastinating or lying to yourself:  We’re talking about today.  Not tomorrow.  If you’ve had plans you haven’t implemented, or if you’ve talked for ages about something you wanted to change and haven’t yet, now’s the time to change it.  Look at what you’re doing with your time and energy.  If you’re not playing full on, you’re either dragging your heels or not being truthful.  It’s time to stop that.

4.    Ignore what anyone says you can or can’t do:  No one knows you as well as you do.  (Any outside opinion is just that: an opinion.)  And only you know how badly you want to do something.  If it’s important to you, ignore everyone.  Dream as big as you want … and then move to make the dream a reality.

5.    Figure out where you want to be:  It’s about the “vision thing.”  Get very specific and very visual about what you want an hour, a day, a week and a month to look like in your ideal life.  Live it in your mind’s eye.  Feel how it feels.  Let the emotion be a driver for you.

6.    Put together a step-by-step plan to get there:  Get clear on what the gap looks like between where you are and where you want to be.  Then chunk that journey down into do-able pieces.  And write them down so you always know what to do next.

7.    Get help if you need it:  If you’re tripping over how you handle money, find an adviser or a program that can remove any fears or obstacles.  If it’s a skill you’re missing, find an adult education class.  Tap into all your friends and acquaintances by asking for advice if you think they know what you want to know.  Help is available and does not have to cost a fortune.

8.    Take the first steps:  Don’t focus on the entire journey.  It may overwhelm you.  If the first steps look easy but the steps later on scare you, just focus on the early ones.  By the time you get to the later ones, they most likely won’t scare you any more.

9.    And keep going:  Find someone to share your plan with.  Ask that person to be an accountability buddy for you.  But be sure that person believes in your dream, wants you to succeed and won’t be threatened by any change you want in your life.  And be sure to make them part of the celebration as you complete each step.

Now congratulate yourself.

You’re about to start playing big!

Drop me a note below and let me know what you’re already doing to be sure you’re in your big girl panties …

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Bio: Sharon O’Day lost everything at age 53: her home, her business, everything. But how could that be? She’s an expert in global finance and marketing with an MBA from the Wharton School. She has worked with governments, corporations, and individuals … yes, she was the secret “weapon,” if you will, behind many individuals in high places. Yet she did! Since then, with her finances completely turned around, Sharon has gone on to interview countless women. She’s done extensive research to understand how that could have happened, especially with her strong knowledge of numbers and finance.

The surprising answers will be shared in her upcoming book “Money After Menopause.” Today her mission is to show as many women as possible how to become financially free for the long term, through her “Over Fifty and Financially Free” coaching programs. She has developed a step-by-step plan to get past all the obstacles that keep women broke and scared … and from reaching the financial peace of mind they so deserve … if they’re willing to do what it takes!

If you’d rather listen, click here:

Savings Accounts Secret Weapon

Three separate clients of mine were almost giddy this week as they talked about their savings accounts.

What they didn’t know was that having them open a savings account is one of my two little secrets to shifting how they look at money … and themselves.

Truth is, not that long ago they were each facing different combinations of paralyzing debt, inability to focus on work, major procrastination, out-of-kilter income and outflow, denial, uncontrolled spending and other destructive money behaviors.

Opening a savings account?

Sounds petty, I know, but it’s not.  And it doesn’t even matter how much or how little is in the account.  There is something magical about putting some funds aside in your name.  Maybe it’s a sign that you’re taking care of yourself.  Maybe it answers a deep question about deserving.  Whatever it is, it’s the cause of a major shift in virtually everybody’s behavior and attitude towards money.

And once the account is open, what typically happens is that spending plans are revisited to see if there isn’t more cash that can be squeezed out to add to the savings.  In fact, online accounts are best because they make it easy to make transfers in.  (And, not to worry, you’ll be surprised at how resistant you are to transferring it back out.)

The holidays are almost here, and the last thing you’re thinking of is opening a savings account.  However, year-end resolutions might be percolating in the back of your mind.  And we know how long those last.

So I propose something different for this year:  instead of making New Year’s resolutions about losing a few pounds or getting up an hour early so you’re not late to everything, make yourself a gift instead.

Scrounge up whatever money you can find, even if it’s just loose change around the house, and open an account in your name.  Better yet, if someone happens to say, “Hey, what would you like for Christmas this year?” … say, “I’d love money instead of a gift.  I’m opening a savings account so I can start having peace of mind this coming year.  And I’d love for you to have a hand in it.”

Because you do deserve that peace of mind.  And this little secret is the most powerful thing you can do to take the first step in that direction.

So here’s to your peace of mind, Savings Buddy!

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Bio: Sharon O’Day lost everything at age 53: her home, her business, everything. But how could that be? She’s an expert in global finance and marketing with an MBA from the Wharton School. She has worked with governments, corporations, and individuals … yes, she was the secret “weapon,” if you will, behind many individuals in high places. Yet she did! Since then, with her finances completely turned around, Sharon has gone on to interview countless women. She’s done extensive research to understand how that could have happened, especially with her strong knowledge of numbers and finance.

The surprising answers will be shared in her upcoming book “Money After Menopause.” Today her mission is to show as many women as possible how to become financially free for the long term, through her “Over Fifty and Financially Free” coaching programs. She has developed a step-by-step plan to get past all the obstacles that keep women broke and scared … and from reaching the financial peace of mind they so deserve.

Click to hear the audio (under 8 minutes):

Safe Holiday Shopping

Holiday shopping!  Black Friday alerts are popping up all over my email these days, a sure sign that the peak holiday shopping season can’t be far away.

Excitement’s up, precaution’s down.  And, like all the scumbags that appear right after a major hurricane to take advantage of people who have their guard down, the scammers and pickpockets are going into hyper drive.

As someone who hopes you think twice (or three or four times) before spending senselessly on gifts … because I’m concerned about your long-term financial well-being … I know when I’m licked.  So if I can’t save you from yourself, I may as well at least try to save you getting taken by outsiders.

According to the security company Symantec/Norton, $114 billion were lost last year through global cyber crime, or deceptive online practices.  Lost time related to that accounted for $274 billion more.  Together, that’s more than the value of the global black market in marijuana, cocaine and heroin combined!

More than two thirds of online adults have been a victim of cyber crime in their lifetime. Fourteen adults become a victim of cyber crime every second, resulting in more than one million cyber crime victims every day.  Now 10 percent of adults online have experienced cyber crime on their mobile phone as well.  And those numbers are growing.

But you already know about all the online protections you should take:

1.    If you go to a URL from another website or email, double check the URL to be sure you haven’t been redirected somewhere else.
2.    Before putting your payment information into a site, be sure the URL starts with “https” instead of “http.”  And look for the little closed padlock icon in your browser window.  At least you’ll be on a secure website.
3.    Use credit cards instead of debit cards, because you have more recourse if you do land in a scammer’s grasp.  And Paypal is even better since the seller never sees your credit card information.
4.    On big-ticket items, you might be asked security questions.  These authentication questions are for your own protection … as long as you’re talking to a real retailer.
5.    The 3- or 4-digit security number on your card plays the same role.  Only you (and someone who has stolen your card!) would have it as it’s physically on your card.  If the card has been stolen, hopefully the merchant will ask for your billing address zip code, which a thief would not know.

And when you go fight the crowds, which some of you will, here are a few well-known tips about “What’s In YOUR Wallet”:

1.    Only take cards you know you’re going to need.  If you still have a boatload of them, leave most of them at home so it’s less devastating if a pickpocket decides to relieve you of that fat wallet in your back pocket or purse.
2.    If you carry checks, be sure they don’t have your Social Security Number on them.  And having your address and phone number at work printed on checks is a lot smarter than those at home.
3.    Instead of signing the back of your credit cards, write “Photo ID Required” in the signature space.
4.    Before you venture out to malls and big box stores, spread every card on a copier and copy both sides of every license, credit card, etc.  That goes for your Social Security card too.  And leave the copies at home, safely filed where only you know where they are.  What you can take with you, but shouldn’t leave in your wallet or purse, is a listing of stolen-card alert numbers at:

•    Visa (1-800-847-2911)
•    Mastercard (1-800-627-8372)
•    Discover (1-800-347-2683)
•    Equifax (1-800-525-6285)
•    Experian/TRW (1-888-397-3742)
•    TransUnion (1-800-680-7289)
•    Social Security fraud line (1-800-269-0271)

There, I made it easier.  Print this page and cut out the numbers.  And remember to call all of the ones that apply immediately after a loss.
5.    If something awful does happen, be sure to file a police report in the jurisdiction where it happened, not once you get back home.  It’s no guarantee that they’ll ever find the criminals, but at least you can prove to card issuers that you did your due diligence.  And once home, notify your card issuers in writing as well, immediately.

This is all information that circulates pretty freely, so I’m just serving as your reminder service.  But I’d like to share the extra steps I take because I take my money, as well as my personal identity, super seriously.

1.    If I’m searching for a certain product online and Google it, I don’t follow a link haphazardly because it’s too easy for shadow sites to be created around popular products.  The goal of such sites is to obtain my personal information directly or by putting malware on my computer.  Instead, I find out where the product is being sold and I type in the online or offline retailer’s URL directly.
2.    I bought an RFID wallet online from TamperSeal that fits my passport and the few credit cards I carry.  (No, I have no affiliation; I just love the product and their service.) Thanks to a thin metal mesh inside the leather, the RFID chip on those documents can’t be read, so my personal information can’t be harvested by anyone who’s sneaky enough to buy an RFID chip reader.  Card issuers claim there is no danger, but I’d rather be safe than sorry.
3.    I pay for one of those identify-theft protection services.  I saw the level of protection it provided when I tried to buy my first big-ticket item after activating it, and I consider the service one more welcome layer of protection.
4.    Even if we buy everything on credit cards, and not on the less-protected debit cards, eventually we need to make a payment out of a bank account, even if it’s just for the credit card balance.  And then there are all those online payments we make:  phone, lights, cable, internet, etc.  I have only one bank account that has online access to it, and I monitor the activity on that account by looking at it online every day.  That’s partly for safety, and partly because of the connectedness it gives me to my money.  My money remains “physical” in my brain, and not invisible “funds” that move about at the click of a mouse.
5.    Lastly, to be sure I limit my exposure in that account, I move money into it periodically.  But to sleep really well at night, I don’t transfer money in from another account.  I physically go to the other bank, take out the cash I’ve budgeted and drive it to deposit in the bank with the online account.  Call me crazy.  Call me paranoid.  I call it “safe.”

As Sergeant Phil Esterhaus used to say at the end of roll call on Hill Street Blues, “Let’s be careful out there.”

And let us know in the comment section below if you have any other suggestions you’d like to share.

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Bio:Sharon O’Day lost everything at age 53: her home, her business, everything. But how could that be? She’s an expert in global finance and marketing with an MBA from the Wharton School. She has worked with governments, corporations, and individuals … yes, she was the secret “weapon,” if you will, behind many individuals in high places. But yet she did! Since then, Sharon has interviewed countless women and done extensive research to understand how that could have happened, especially with her strong knowledge of numbers and finance.

The surprising answers will be shared in her upcoming book “Money After Menopause.” Today her mission is to show as many women as possible how to become financially free for the long term, through her “Over Fifty and Financially Free” coaching programs. She has developed a step-by-step plan to get past all the obstacles that keep women broke and scared … and from reaching the financial peace of mind they so deserve.

Click if you’d rather listen:

Overspending

Hmmmm, overspending.  If there was ever any doubt, one thing the economic meltdown in 2008 made obvious was that Americans were clearly spending more than they earned.  Consumer debt had never been higher.  What’s worse, most everyone felt a sense of entitlement, whether they could afford to buy or not.  This excessive materialism had become the American Way.

After all, everyone overspends a bit, don’t they?  Little treats?  Little sins?

When spending is pushed to where it starts having a negative impact on personal finances, the purchasing pattern is considered “overspending.”  At that point, the act seeks to fulfill a painful void, a need for comfort, affection, and connection.

These kinds of money behaviors may feel automatic, almost subconscious.  (That’s because the behaviors are automatic, at least until the big spenders figure out—by themselves or with help—what the triggers and explanations are .)

The causes range from a multitude of situations:  having suffered deprivation as a child, being teased by schoolmates for dressing differently, in fact, any feeling of material inferiority.  (And our consumer-oriented society can be relentless.)

The result is often a desire to impress others with what they own or are able to obtain in the form of services.  Low self-worth or self-esteem gets masked by material excess.

Overspending can actually begin one generation earlier.  Here parents justify overspending on their children and end up distorting their kids’ sense of worth: of money and of things.  The parents’ excuse is that they never want their children to go through feeling the way they did when they were young: ostracized or teased.

Memories of inconsistent family patterns—where parents swung like a pendulum, from ignoring money one day to obsessing over it the next—can lead to overspending too, in the absence of clear, consistent role models.

Or maybe the myth of fairy godmothers waving magic wands and manifesting money lasted into adulthood, so “it’s only money” translates into the belief that there’s an endless supply.  In this case, the idea of self-control seems pointless.

Whatever the cause, overspenders often create little rituals around the act of spending.  The shopping experience may be used to feel connected to a community made up of store clerks, managers, and others who are more than happy to cater to them … as long as they’re spending money.  In their minds, that catering is interpreted as a feeling of importance and love.

Lots of overspenders are confused about the role that money plays and how they relate to it.  They may have adopted the maxim that more money will make them happy, yet they find themselves deep in debt and unable to buy things as a result of their out-of-control spending.  And, with each cycle, the level of anxiety increases.

Some women’s concept of money is subjective, since money is spent in order to meet emotional needs instead of simply to acquire goods and services.  As a result, their moods are what determine whether they feel their available funds are insufficient or limitless.  How much they can afford to spend becomes hard to define.  Money looks more like Monopoly currency, so they spend it that way.

When Things Get Serious

Say certain women have an irresistible urge to spend.  Once they start, they lose control.  Having lost control—again!—triggers guilt and anxiety.  What can soothe those terribly uncomfortable feelings?  More spending.  (Imagine what online shopping has done to overspenders, by turning shopping into a 24/7 activity.)  And so it goes until they reach serious levels known as compulsive buying disorder.

Women with this disorder are consumed by money worries.  They use the act of shopping itself as a temporary escape from depression, acute emptiness, or earlier traumas.  The shopping urges they feel are irresistible as they look forward to the dopamine rush that floods their brains as that credit card gets swiped by yet another store clerk.  Soon, remorse sets in and their feelings of low self-esteem take over.  And back they go to patch over those feelings with yet another purchase.  The results are often overwhelming debt, bankruptcy, and/or loss of a spouse.

Compulsive buying is as common as clinical depression in the U.S., affecting 5 percent of the population.  And of those, sadly, 75 percent are women.

As in the case of other addictive and compulsive disorders, women dealing with compulsive buying disorders should seek professional assistance or 12-step groups such as Debtors Anonymous.

And for those of you who simply spend a bit more than you earn, take a look at what you’re doing with your money.  If it feels at all out of kilter, stop, and think back to where that behavior might be coming from.  Look honestly at how money was handled in your home, how you felt in the early years and which, if any, of the explanations above resonated with you.

Remember:  just because you have a money behavior that resulted from how you were raised, that doesn’t mean you can’t reverse it.  And the feeling of control and pride that comes with monetary self control is a beautiful thing.  Let me help you reach it!

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Bio: Sharon O’Day lost everything at age 53: her home, her business, everything. But how could that be? She’s an expert in global finance and marketing with an MBA from the Wharton School. She has worked with governments, corporations, and individuals … yes, she was the secret “weapon,” if you will, behind many individuals in high places. Yet she did! Since then, Sharon has interviewed countless women and done extensive research to understand how that could have happened, especially with her strong knowledge of numbers and finance.

The surprising answers will be shared in her upcoming book “Money After Menopause.” Today her mission is to show as many women as possible how to become financially free for the long term, through her “Over Fifty and Financially Free” coaching programs. She has developed a step-by-step plan to get past all the obstacles that keep women broke and scared … and from reaching the financial peace of mind they so deserve.

Would you rather listen?  If so, click here:

Letting Go of Prince Charming

“Read it to me one more time, Mommy.”

And off we go again, hearing how the damsel in distress was swept off her feet by her charming prince … and lived happily ever after.

Unfortunately, that’s probably one of the most insidious things our mothers could have put in our heads. Yet, virtually all of them did.

In many cases, those long-ago, childhood memories were left in that less-visited portion of our brains: the subconscious instead of the conscious part.

As we grew up, Prince Charming stayed in hibernation as we went through school, watched our own persona develop, and started believing we could indeed do whatever we wanted. (He may actually have been more present in your mother’s conscious brain than in yours, as she envisioned your future for you.)

But if you’re in your fifties or older, you were reaching maturity in an age when Elizabeth Cady Stanton, Betty Friedan and Gloria Steinem had already done the heavy lifting. Women’s Lib had already opened some doors, even if it hadn’t established any rules or realistic expectations. All we knew was that we had no excuses: we were expected to do our part and be as effective in the boardroom as we were in the bedroom … and in the kitchen.

Then came love. Suddenly, everything we had achieved, often at great personal cost and frustration, was put on a second plane. After all, he asked us to marry! Marriage! We were going to be able to dress like princesses with flowing white veils. Our groom would look absolutely handsome, in fact, princely. This would be a special day, a bit of a fairy tale …

Hmmmm. A fairy tale.

The fairy tale was so powerful, tugging at memories of cuddly sessions in bed as our mothers read aloud about regular little girls who were saved by a prince and lived happily ever after.

Why would we ever ask any questions? Such as: What were his financial dreams? How did he look at money? How did he spend it? How did he expect the two would share the financial role within the couple? In short, what kind of financial match was he? Why ask and maybe rock the boat? After all, we were going to live happily ever after.

Once married, we tucked away the fairy tale memories for safe-keeping.

Soon demands on our time and our energy escalated: one child after the other was born. Colic, diapers, boo-boos, after-school schedules, soccer practice and teenage acne added to the weight of our days.

And falling into our beds, exhausted, added to the reality of our nights.

However, our mission was clear. We were supposed to be Superwoman. Somehow we were to master it all.  Or at least fake it.

Whether our careers were put on temporary hold, or we juggled them along with our household duties, we recognized that, deep down, we had become pretty amazing beings. We pulled our weight sufficiently to believe that we could probably take care of ourselves financially. If push came to shove and something dire happened, we probably had the wherewithal to deal with whatever hand was dealt us.

Fast forward to our 50s, today. That “fairy tale” story has had one of several endings. If lucky, the bride and groom continued side-by-side, sharing responsibilities, each taking his or her traditional role; the kids grew up and married and today everything is hunky-dory.

But other potential endings exist as well: widowhood … divorce … job loss by our mates.

That’s when the real test kicks in about how well we learned the lessons of financial adeptness and comfort. About how far we developed our concept of self-responsibility. Whether enough of our self-identity has survived the years. Whether some event will eventually trigger the critical factor of self-preservation.

Some of us will pass, some of won’t.

But here is what is most amazing: whether we take the reins and build a strong financial foundation for ourselves or not, at some point the fantasy that was left sleeping quietly in our subconscious minds for so many years … reawakens.

As incongruous or even intellectually silly as it may seem, something deep inside us calls again for a man who’s a provider. A handsome prince on a white horse. We want the shoulder to lean on, whether we need his money or not. We love having the door opened and the restaurant tab disappearing from the table. In short, someone to “take care of it all.”

It’s true that the “Women’s Rights era” we enjoy today represents a very short blip on the timeline of history. How long have we had the right to vote? The right to take out loans in our own names without our husbands’ signature? The right to attend virtually any university or to work in any profession?

From the time women gained full civil rights in 1848, seven generations of women have deliberately pushed, cajoled and demanded changes in family life, in religion, in government, in employment and in education.

So, more than likely, our natural reflex action to find a strong provider harkens back to a purely biological need: the fact that women sought out the men who seemed most able to protect and feed them … and their offspring … in order to perpetuate the species.

Who would think that something this complex would be wrapped up in something so innocent: the story of a beguiling young girl and her fantasies about being swept off her feet by a handsome young man by the name of Prince Charming?

Are you still waiting for yours? Does that fantasy come and go, peeking out in moments of greater financial uncertainty? What role does that childhood fairy tale play in your future plans, especially the long-term ones?

It’s okay that he’s there, because he’s in the subconscious of virtually every woman. The key is to know how real he is … and how much of a fairy tale.

(Whatever you do, be sure you’re taking care of yourself.)

And let me know in the comment section below what you think …

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Bio: Sharon O’Day lost everything at age 53: her home, her business, everything. But how could that be? She’s an expert in global finance and marketing with an MBA from the Wharton School. She has worked with governments, corporations, and individuals … yes, she was the secret “weapon,” if you will, behind many individuals in high places. But yet she did! Since then, Sharon has interviewed countless women and done extensive research to understand how that could have happened, especially with her strong knowledge of numbers and finance.

The surprising answers will be shared in her upcoming book “Money After Menopause.” Today her mission is to show as many women as possible how to become financially free for the long term, through her “Over Fifty and Financially Free” coaching programs. She has developed a step-by-step plan to get past all the obstacles that keep women broke and scared … and from reaching the financial peace of mind they so deserve.

On widows and money … have 5 minutes?  Click to listen:

Who Says Widows Are Old?

Widows are old women, about the age of our grandmothers, right?  Well, not exactly.  Here’s what I found on a blog today:

“I just read that the average age for a widow is 56. Seems rather young to me…”
“I got inducted at 40 …”
“Well I am 58.”
“I am 51 and hubby was 57…”
“I might be the exception. I’m 33 and hubby passed at 34.”
“I was 52, my husband was 53.”

The truth is that today around 90 percent of women outlive their spouses and the average age of a widow in the U.S. is 56.

Why is this important?  Because too many women who are uncomfortable with money hide behind excuses like “Oh, money is a man’s job” or “I’m just not good at money so I leave that to my partner.”  And they’re totally ignorant about their finances.

That’s a recipe for disaster.  For total vulnerability.

Realize that nothing could leave you less prepared to deal with the double whammy of a serious life event such as the death of a mate.  You’d be facing not only the massive grief, disorientation, and loneliness of such a loss, but would also be totally unprepared when it comes to your finances.

You say it couldn’t happen to you?  Well, more than 14 percent of women between 20 and 64 are widows.  So maybe you need to think again.

Nobody wants to think about the unpleasantness of death, whether their own or someone else’s.  But, to my knowledge, none of us is going to come out of this life alive.  So maybe a little time and energy invested in being more of a financial partner with your mate might be a good strategy.

[As a side note, this works in the opposite direction as well, if the woman has taken total control of finances and has left her partner in a vulnerable position.  Lack of knowledge is lack of knowledge; it knows no gender.]

So here are the first conversations and actions to have together:

1.    Find out what each one wants.  What do each of you have as financial goals and how do you define wealth or financial freedom?  What’s important in terms of lifestyle?  What are your hopes and dreams?

2.    Find common ground.  Once everything is on the table (you might be surprised what you hear!), figure out how to come to some common vision so you’re not working at cross purposes.  You won’t have identical goals; after all, you’re two distinct individuals.

3.    Get clear on where you are today.  Find out what has been done already in terms of planning (or not!) by the other party.  Get real clear on where you stand financially as a couple and try to understand exactly what you both have in terms of debts, assets, investments … all the things you’ve probably been hiding from.

4.    Put a plan together.  If one of you is better than the other at putting together a spending plan, fine.  But don’t prepare one in a vacuum.  Talk about it.  Make joint decisions, knowing that some of them will be tough.  It’s okay; you’ll survive whatever they are.

5.    Share the bill-paying function.  Don’t let bill-paying be a lonely function.  Share the responsibility, either alternating or doing it jointly.  This not only keeps the dialog open, and allows you to adjust as circumstances change, but also helps you both stay accountable.

6.    And have the toughest conversation.  As much as you’d like to avoid it, talk about death, about each other’s last wishes.  About what will happen to the children, if there are any.  See an accountant, financial advisor, lawyer and any other counselor to be sure you have all your critical papers in order: wills, trusts, and so forth.  And know where everything is.

Your relationship is a partnership, in every possible way.  Not having an open dialog about money allows part of that partnership to wither.  To cut one person out of the money dialog is disrespectful and disempowering, and you both deserve to have a voice in it.

Besides, when one of you dies, do you really want to leave the other vulnerable at an already difficult time?  Or would it be better to be fully prepared and empowered so at least one part of that painful period can be a smooth transition?

No excuses.  No “we’ll do it next year.”  It’s never too soon.  You’re never too young.

So go ahead, do it now.  (And leave me a comment below on when you’ll have that done …)

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Bio:  Sharon O’Day lost everything at age 53: her home, her business, everything. But how could that be? She’s an expert in global finance and marketing with an MBA from the Wharton School. She has worked with governments, corporations, and individuals … yes, she was the secret “weapon,” if you will, behind many individuals in high places. But yet she did! Since then, Sharon has interviewed countless women and done extensive research to understand how that could have happened, especially with her strong knowledge of numbers and finance.

The surprising answers will be shared in her upcoming book “Money After Menopause.” Today her mission is to show as many women as possible how to become financially free for the long term, through her “Over Fifty and Financially Free” coaching programs.  She has developed a step-by-step plan to get past all the obstacles that keep women broke and scared … and from reaching the financial peace of mind they so deserve.

I could hear the excitement in her voice, even though I was just reading the words of her email.  “This ‘relationship with money’ stuff has been a total game-changer.  It’s changed my life.  It’s the first time I’ve felt like a full partner when it comes to our money!”

You see, I’m presenting my “three aspects of money” philosophy in a group setting for the first time.  It’s a virtual workshop, accessed by computer and by phone.  And, because I’m not working one-on-one, I wasn’t sure how effective it would be.

What has surprised me the most?  The number of couples who are listening, together or separately, and having it affect their money dialog so radically.  Their stories are like surprise “gifts” to me.

That first “emailer” called herself a stay-at-home-mom as they raised their kids.  But things started changing once the kids were grown and her husband left Corporate America to open his own manufacturing business.  She had always paid the monthly household bills, and was privy to the general lines of their investments.

But the weakened economy turned the business upside down.  Soon she had to go into the company to replace the receptionist/secretary/administrative assistant (and general get-it-done person) so they could eliminate one more salary … and keep the doors open.

Suddenly she realized how little she knew about how her husband’s business operated.  What did the critical numbers look like?  Yet he wasn’t in any hurry to share what he strangely considered “his turf.”

She convinced him to listen to the Money Mastery Makeover workshop calls.  By the end of the third one, she says it was like a switch was flipped.  Her husband just wrote me to tell me they had spent Saturday going over company figures so she could understand what was going on.  “My wife’s now a true partner in our efforts not just to keep the business afloat, but to turn it around together.  She’s really perceptive, and came up with some great ideas on how we can use our money better!”

The second “gift” came from two people in their forties who are trying to blend their families together, as they get closer to marrying after their respective divorces.  But the greatest stumbling block has been the drastic difference in their spending patterns and their relationship with money.

Those differences have been the fodder for fight after fight, almost putting the marriage at risk.  Imagine how excited I felt when I read their note.  “We finally have a way to channel our feelings as we discuss money, because you’ve shown us how emotional money can be if not dealt with the right way.  We have a whole new language.”

My third “gift” came from a widower who has been following my writings for quite awhile.  He has remarried and has written me notes every so often about how baffled he is.  His new wife seems so like his first wife in values and everything.  In fact, the two women grew up together and had been childhood friends.

Yet he can’t believe how differently his new wife deals with money.  It’s already wreaking havoc with what should be a rosy, romantic time in their lives.   (And he couldn’t get her to read my articles.)

He made her sit beside him as he listened to the calls on the computer last week, and coaxed her to do the exercises.  The call on the third night showed him how different she was from his first wife … because of childhood events that had formed her relationship with money.  The calls opened up a powerful dialog between them, and they both feel they have some work to do.

So, not only do they now understand where surprising behaviors and reactions come from, but the widower says, “It’s helped me understand her frustration at being unfairly considered my first wife’s clone.  You’re right:  our relationship with money does touch every part of our lives.  Thanks, Sharon.”

What a week!  Three gifts!  I had no idea that what I had designed “to help entrepreneurial women in their 50s get control over their money” would be such an effective tool for couples.  I hadn’t thought about how “relationship with money” could be just as critical to couples as it is to individuals.  But then, everyone’s just trying to be financially free.

Let me know in a comment below what you think the greatest challenge is that couples face with money.

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Bio:  Sharon O’Day lost everything at age 53: her home, her business, everything. But how could that be? She’s an expert in global finance and marketing with an MBA from the Wharton School. She has worked with governments, corporations, and individuals … yes, she was the secret “weapon,” if you will, behind many individuals in high places. But yet she did! Since then, Sharon has interviewed countless women and done extensive research to understand how that could have happened, especially with her strong knowledge of numbers and finance.

The surprising answers will be shared in her upcoming book “Money After Menopause.” Today her mission is to show as many women as possible how to become financially free for the long term, through her “Over Fifty and Financially Free” coaching programs.  She has developed a step-by-step plan to get past all the obstacles that keep women broke and scared … and from reaching the financial peace of mind they so deserve.

I know, I’m a softie.

Eighty percent of the people who signed up to be part of my new Money Mastery Makeover workshop (free version, no replays) were on the line on Thursday evening.  Whoa!

Then the requests started flowing in.  “Can I still get in?”  “I missed the first one, can I hear a replay of the first call?”  “Can you make an exception?”

So, yes, there’s still a way to get in … if you can hustle before Tuesday morning.

There are just two steps:

(1)  Email me at oday@sharonoday.com so I can send you the first night’s PDF exercise, as well as the link to the recording of Session One.

(2) Then go to www.MoneyMasteryMakeover.com before midnight on Monday, September 19, and register so you’ll get the call-in info on Tuesday morning … and from then forward.  Plus any materials.

Session Two starts Tuesday evening.

It’s still all free.  Still no replays.  And here’s the schedule for the remaining calls:

• Tuesday, Sept 20 at 9 pm ET/ 6 pm PT
• Thursday, Sept 22 at 9 pm ET/ 6 pm PT
• Tuesday, Sept 27 at 9 pm ET/ 6 pm PT

And do you need to keep it a secret?  Not really …

See you there!

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Bio:  Sharon O’Day lost everything at age 53: her home, her business, everything. But how could that be? She’s an expert in global finance and marketing with an MBA from the Wharton School. She has worked with governments, corporations, and individuals … yes, she was the secret “weapon,” if you will, behind many individuals in high places. But yet she did! Since then, Sharon has interviewed countless women and done extensive research to understand how that could have happened, especially with her strong knowledge of numbers and finance.

The surprising answers will be shared in her upcoming book “Money After Menopause.” Today her mission is to show as many women as possible how to become financially free for the long term, through her “Over Fifty and Financially Free” coaching programs.  She has developed a step-by-step plan to get past all the obstacles that keep women broke and scared … and from reaching the financial peace of mind they so deserve.

Ah, the budget.  Everybody hates it.  Or so they say.

I used to, too, until I understood the degree of control (and peace of mind) that came with knowing exactly what was coming in and what was going out of my bank accounts.  (And the appreciation began at a painful time for me, when the outflow was still much larger than the inflow!)

The women who work with me to get their money under control fall into two camps:  either (1) they’re struggling seriously with out-of-balance outflow and inflow, where every cent counts; or (2) they have a respectable income but have some crazy spending patterns, usually as a result of some “money gremlins” left over from childhood.

The first group I call “Squeezing Blood Out of Stone.”  How they got into this predicament varies drastically.  It could be the result of a divorce or lost job that limits the inflow suddenly.  Or a major medical condition that wipes out all savings and requires ongoing payments.  Or it could be the accumulation of a long history of living beyond one’s means.

Whatever the cause, the first thing that has to change is a shift to total “open book” honesty.  No hiding anything.  It’s time for full examination of every single cent that flows in, and every single cent that flows out.  Knowing that detailed information often requires a 30-day exercise of recording every expenditure, plus reviewing bank statements, credit card statements, and so forth.

Once that’s done, the next step is to enter all the information on a detailed statement, or budget, such as the one that I make available in an article entitled “Your Money Is Just Like the Wizard of Oz.”  There you’ll find the link to a report called “Knowing Your Numbers:  The First Step to Financial Security.”  That’s my gift to you, and it tells you exactly how to proceed.

The second group I call “From Money Gremlins to Money Mastery.”  First we identify what unhealthy money behaviors are at play, and work to identify what might be causing them.  (More often than not, they are the result of childhood memories, real or imagined.)  And then we work to get rid of them … and the negative money behaviors disappear as well.

The next step of bringing money under control is to create a budget that brings stability and peace of mind.  But the question is:  how much money should be allocated to each budget category?  Women in this second group have income levels that vary widely, so it didn’t used to be easy to give a pat answer.

Today the formula I use is a brilliant one devised by Elizabeth Warren (a Harvard law professor with an expertise in personal bankruptcies) and her daughter, Amelia Warren Tyagi.  It has two major benefits:  (1) it works for incomes of all levels and (2) it allows you to live comfortably (albeit prudently) while building your financial security.

And it’s straightforward!  It’s called the 50/30/20 Balanced Money Formula and divides your expense categories into just three:  “must-haves,” “wants,” and “the rest.”

“Must-haves” get 50% of after-tax income.  “Wants” get 30%.  And the remaining 20% goes to savings and any debt repayment.

Let’s get into more detail.

First, let’s define “after-tax income.”  It’s your gross pay, less any taxes related to your wages.  These could include income tax withholdings, Social Security and Medicare taxes, state taxes, plus the alphabet soup of other disability/medical/other taxes.  What you don’t subtract are any contributions taken from your paycheck for 401(k) contributions, health insurance premiums, and union dues, for example.

Next, you target your “must-haves” to take up no more than 50% of your after-tax income.  These are all the things you’re contractually obligated to pay, such as child support or alimony, cell phones on term contracts, minimum payments on school or other loans, and credit-card minimums.  Add to that all the living necessities:  housing, food, transportation, utilities, insurance, and so forth.  To help you discriminate between must-haves and wants, your child’s required school uniforms are a must-have; new casual clothes are wants.  Having a land-line phone may be considered a must-have, but all the extra bells and whistles fall under wants.

Then tally up your “wants,” which shouldn’t add up to more than 30% of your after-tax income.  How you spend this money depends on what brings you the most joy in life, and rewards you for all your efforts.  After all, a girl’s gotta play!  Everyone will have a different idea of what that means: traveling, dining out, gifts, bling, whatever.  But there’s one cut-in-stone rule:  you cannot exceed the 30% maximum.  And if some kind of financial disaster hits, whether temporary or longer term, the wants are the first things to get cut.

Lastly, divvy up “the rest,” or 20% of your after-tax income, into savings and repaying any debts.  In my article Five Things a Girl Can’t Live Without, among the five things are a “get-out-of-debt” plan, a retirement account, and an emergency fund.  They’d come out of this part of the budget.  To clarify, while the minimum payment on existing credit card debt comes out of your must-haves because it’s an obligation, any payment above that comes from here.  But if you pay off your credit card each month (good for you!), that’s not debt.  You’d just allocate each item to its rightful category (must-haves or needs).

Now here’s the challenge.  This sounds simple.  It’s more difficult than you think because of how our lifestyles have evolved over time.  The hardest part will be getting your must-haves down to 50%.  But in this era of economic turmoil and uncertainty, this is what brings the greatest flexibility and tranquility.  By keeping the hard costs so low, in case of loss of income you can jettison all of the wants, savings, and debt repayment.  That would let you survive much longer on unemployment and emergency funds.

So what’s my recommendation?  First, guess what you think your percentages are.

Then sit down with paper and pencil this coming weekend.  Figure out your percentages as precisely as you can, without great effort.  If you’re out of balance, know that alignment is not something you can achieve overnight.

But give yourself the greatest gift known to (wo)man:  promise yourself to get the percentages aligned within the next 12 months, come hell or high water.  It’s your surest path to peace of mind.

Don’t forget to let me know in the comments section below what you think of this!

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Bio:  Sharon O’Day lost everything at age 53: her home, her business, everything. But how could that be? She’s an expert in global finance and marketing with an MBA from the Wharton School. She has worked with governments, corporations, and individuals … yes, she was the secret “weapon,” if you will, behind many individuals in high places. But yet she did! Since then, Sharon has interviewed countless women and done extensive research to understand how that could have happened, especially with her strong knowledge of numbers and finance.

The surprising answers will be shared in her upcoming book “Money After Menopause.” Today her mission is to show as many women as possible how to become financially free for the long term, through her “Over Fifty and Financially Free” coaching programs.  She has developed a step-by-step plan to get past all the obstacles that keep women broke and scared … and from reaching the financial peace of mind they so deserve.

Okay, I use the word “girl” loosely.  I mean anyone of the female gender between 21 and 65.  Or older …

And I’m not talking mascara.  Or Tampax®.  Or Spanx®.  Or a Cinnamon Dolce Latte.

I’m talking about the real foundations of life.  Not the things that make your daytime sweet.  Instead, the financial ones that let you sleep soundly at night.  I’m talking about the five pillars of a solid financial future.  And it’s never too early—or too late—to start.

I can already hear some of you screaming.  “How am I supposed to do that when I’m up to my ears in debt?”  “I’m trying to keep my house out of foreclosure and you want me to do WHAT???”

But I’m ignoring you.  You need these things, no matter what your circumstances.  No matter what your age.  No matter what your philosophy of life.

Pillar #1:  A detailed budget.  I know, it sounds deadly.  And most people avoid preparing one like the plague.  Maybe if you call it a “spending plan?”  Whatever it takes to draw up a budget, or plan, nothing gives you a greater feeling of control than having the inflow and outflow of your money organized and monitored.

And nothing makes it more possible for you to spot the “bleeders,” the little expenses that add up and that you’re not even aware of.  First control the bleeders.  Then take an ax, and later a scalpel, to your spending.  Do whatever you can to get your monthly spending lower than your monthly income.

The result will be the end of the devastating head chatter that has kept you up nights … and unfocused days … for as far back as you can remember.

Pillar #2:  A ‘get-out-of-debt’ plan.  There’s debt and there’s debt.  “Good debt” is when you use other people’s money to make an investment in something with a positive return on investment (ROI).  That could be in your education or some asset (such as a house … although that’s no longer the guaranteed deal it was).

“Bad debt” is when it’s used to finance “consumables,” including cars, vacations, clothes, meals, etc. … that will be worth less (or be gone) tomorrow.  (And good vacation memories don’t count!)

To strengthen this foundational pillar, the first thing to do is to “ice” your credit cards by taking them out of circulation.   Or you could get the kind you have to pay off each month.  That will leave you the flexibility you need for business travel, justifiable expenditures, and so forth.

Just remember that when you retire a credit card, that means taking it out of your wallet and putting it in a drawer.  Don’t cancel it or your credit score will be affected negatively.

Next, analyze the debt that’s outstanding and prioritize which card you want to pay off first, while making minimum payments on the rest.  Two schools of thought exist:  (1) pay off the ones with the highest interest rate first, and work down; or (2) simplify your finances by paying off the little ones so you have fewer and fewer statements coming in the mail each month.  Psychologically, the second one is strongest although it doesn’t make as much financial sense.

Choose one, whichever you prefer, and follow that strategy as you fight to get yourself out of the clutches of “bad debt.”  To be able to say—with pride—that you’re debt-free will totally change how you look at yourself and your future.  I can’t explain exactly how that works but, trust me, it’s magical.

Pillar #3:  A retirement account.  It’s important to know you are taking care of yourself for the long haul, and that you do not intend to condemn yourself to surviving on Social Security alone in your later years.  Remember that anything you set aside to complement your Social Security payments will distance you from that survival existence.  Start small, if need be, but start.

Whatever you can put aside, even if it’s just the minimum allowed by the institution holding it, do it!  And if you can contribute the annual maximum, hurray!  Just being able to talk about having an IRA or a 401(k) will give your self esteem a boost!

Whether you’re an employee or self-employed, there are defined contribution plans where you set aside some earnings, before taxes are paid, and avoid having to pay the taxes until you withdraw the money.  By then, your tax bracket is likely to be much lower.  Or you might prefer to contribute after-tax dollars, in a Roth IRA.  I’ll leave the alphabet soup of 401(k) or SEP (Simplified Employee Pension Plan) or IRA (Individual Retirement Account), etc., to your accountant or human resources professional to explain.

Now, if in this volatile market you don’t trust putting your money in traditional market vehicles, like funds, know that you can buy gold to hold in an IRA.  (That’s important if you’re one of the people who think the sky’s about to fall in.)

The key to these accounts is compounding interest.  It is so powerful, regardless of how much time you have left to let it work.  Of course, the more time, the better.  But every contribution counts.  And if your company matches funds, it’s a no-brainer, because that’s free money they’re contributing to your retirement.  It gets set aside, and just grows, as long as you don’t tap into it.

Your retirement accounts are not emergency funds.  They are sacrosanct.  Just think of taking money out of retirement accounts like taking food out of an old lady’s mouth.  Because that’s what it is.  And that old lady is you.

[In 2001, as my world was coming down around my ears, I emptied out my IRAs.  Yet all that did was prolong the inevitable.  Oh, what I'd do to have that money today, compounded over ten more years.  Today I understand that what I did was borderline criminal!]

Pillar #4:  An emergency fund.  You need money that is readily available so you’re not caught off guard by one of life’s inescapable surprises.  A blown car engine.  A broken arm.  A dying friend or relative.  A lost job.

LearnVest.com, a personal finance site, says you need 9 times your monthly “nut” because of the slow economy, particularly if the emergency is that you lost your job.  Suze Orman says 6+ months.  I say it should be however much you can save.  But just knowing it’s there will help you sleep more soundly at night.

Start with whatever you can.  Ten dollars a week.  Fifty dollars a month.  Consider online savings accounts, where fees are lowest and interest rates are more generous than offline … although they’re still pretty anemic.

Putting money aside, regardless of the amount, somehow leads you to save more.  There is an element of taking care of yourself, or of those you love.  It’s powerful.  It’s magnetic.  You might even find yourself revisiting your budget (oops, spending plan) to see where you can squeeze out a little more to set aside.  If feels that good!

Pillar #5:  A vision.  If you don’t know where you’re going, you have no motivation to do what’s necessary to get there.  But if you’ll invest the time and energy in figuring out what’s important to you, what piques your fancy, what you’re passionate about … and write it down … you’ll be amazed how much easier it is to make little sacrifices elsewhere that start you working on the other four pillars.

In summary, I know how much financial distress people are facing.  I also know how people protect some spending habits they think they can’t live without.  But those are just habits.

Yet when you free up that money and put it in one of the first four pillars—and create the vision of what makes life worthwhile—you’ll witness a multiplier effect of every dollar you save.

Give it a try for a few months, and let me know if I’m wrong.  I don’t believe I am.

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Bio: Sharon O’Day lost everything at age 53: her home, her business, everything. But how could that be? She’s an expert in global finance and marketing with an MBA from the Wharton School. She has worked with governments, corporations, and individuals … yes, she was the secret ‘weapon,’ if you will, behind many individuals in high places. But yet she did! Since then, Sharon has interviewed countless women and done extensive research to understand how that could have happened, especially with her strong knowledge of numbers and finance.

The surprising answers will be shared in her upcoming book “Money After Menopause.” Today her mission is to show as many women as possible how to become financially free for the long term, through her “Over Fifty and Financially Free” coaching programs. She has developed a step-by-step plan to get past all the obstacles that keep women broke and scared … and from reaching the financial peace of mind they so deserve.