Here’s another shortcut: listen instead of reading …

Financial Peace of Mind: A Shortcut

My journey started in a dark place.  Mostly because of all the sleepless nights, pacing the house at 3 a.m., wondering how I’d ever get out from under the weight of the debt and demands.  I felt just one or two clicks above helpless.

Step by step, following lots of bunny trails and rabbit holes, I reached total financial peace of mind.

I can still go to a place in my head and relive each step I took, as if it were yesterday.  Trust me, it’s far better to be living in my today.  Especially because I’ve figured out a system that shortcuts the journey for others.

Now, traveling the country, the moment I tell anyone what I do (“I work with women who can’t get their finances in order and don’t know why…”), so often I see a look that says, “That’s me.”  And a frustrated, sometimes painful story follows.

Late last night I drove home from a conference where I saw “the look” again.  And again and again.  I decided I had to share three little … and very do-able … steps that can be your first steps (if that’s you too) on that journey towards financial peace of mind.

It’s what I wish for you.  And what you so dearly deserve.

Step One:  Kill One Gremlin

We all have memories embedded in our subconscious from childhood that mess with our behaviors.  Maybe it’s our weight.  Maybe it’s our money.  Or maybe it’s our relationships.   We know exactly what we have to do to take off a few pounds, for example, yet we just don’t do it.  Why, you ask?  Because of the same “gremlins” (as I call them) that keep us from different behaviors, including healthy money behaviors.

So, let’s find one and snuff it out.

Look honestly at any one thing you know you do with your money that is not helping you have a balanced financial life.

Maybe you don’t ask for more money from your clients, although you know everyone else charges more.   Which parent insinuated that you didn’t deserve to make more than he or she did?

Maybe you give in to your teenager’s every whim although it means you’ll go without something you actually need.  Whose actions led you to believe your tight finances today are your fault?  Maybe you learned (through your mother or grandmother) that women are expected to just grin and bear it, even if in a destructive marriage to a supposed “good man” that means no safety or healthy boundaries?

Maybe the brand names hanging in your closet outpace your income.  Who told you as a kid on the playground that you weren’t part of the popular group because you wore hand-me-downs?

In short:  who are you mad at?  Who do you resent?  Who diminished or disempowered you?  Figure that out related to a destructive money behavior, release the anger and let it go.  (And watch that behavior change.)

Step Two: Know Your Gap

Someday you’ll have to put together a careful spending plan if you want to really get your finances in order.

But for today, here’s a shortcut.  Add up your monthly income.  Add up your all your monthly expenses.  Look at the difference between the two.  That’s your gap.  And it may be negative.  If it is, it’s hard to embrace the total debt you’re under; it’s usually a really big number.  But look at the gap.  Is it $500?  Is it $300?  Is it $1,000?  What can you do to close that gap, either by cutting expenses back by that much, or by finding a way to earn that much more.  Or a combination of the two.

Knowing your gap and closing it will lower your financial stress markedly.   And that success will empower you to start digging further and further until you’re willing to really turn all your finances around.

Step Three:  “I Want That”

Usually that phrase would be another pitfall, another line item on your credit card statement.

But here we mean something different.  What is important enough to you to give you the incentive to change how you deal with your money?

Take a few minutes in a peaceful place, far from the television and from your home office.  Visualize something that you want to do or be, a lifestyle or activity that makes you feel fulfilled.  Go into great detail about what that looks like, almost in 3-D.  Then write it down.  Whenever you have a question about an expenditure or any other money-related decision, ask yourself if it will bring you closer to … or further away from … reaching that vision.

The Full Journey

The entire journey from wherever you are today to wherever you want to be financially is not a difficult one.  It’s a series of steps.  These are just three.  But they represent the three areas you’ll eventually need to address on that journey:  your emotional triggers, the actual numbers in your life and what motivates you.

Drop me a line in the comment section below and let me know if this helped you see how to start your journey towards that magical place:  financial peace of mind.

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Bio: Sharon O’Day lost everything at age 53: her home, her business, everything. But how could that be? She’s an expert in global finance and marketing with an MBA from the Wharton School. She has worked with governments, corporations, and individuals … yes, she was the secret “weapon,” if you will, behind many individuals in high places. Yet she did! Since then, with her finances completely turned around, Sharon has gone on to interview countless women. She’s done extensive research to understand how that could have happened, especially with her strong knowledge of numbers and finance.

The surprising answers are shared in her posts, articles and an upcoming book. Today her mission is to show as many women as possible how to become financially free for the long term, through her coaching programs. She has developed a step-by-step plan to get past all the obstacles that keep women broke and scared … and from reaching the financial peace of mind they so deserve … if they’re willing to do what it takes!

If you’d rather listen than read, click the link:

Suze Orman and What About Me

Suze Orman sat quietly on stage this week in her butter yellow jacket, flanked on either side by seven other women and Tavis Smiley, the host.  The topic was “Made Visible: Women, Children and Poverty.”

Women of all stripes and colors … African American, Native American, Latina … told of the cultural and social obstacles each group of women faces.

When it came her turn to speak, Suze said, “…on some level, it is a woman’s nature to nurture.  And she, in my opinion, will nurture every single person, spouse, family member, pet, plant, employer, employee … before she will nurture herself.

“But it is not until a woman is about 50, 55 or 60, and she is all by herself, her spouse has left her, her children now are grown but still living in her house … that she finally starts to say ‘What about ME?’”

Suze Orman is singing my song!

In fact, AARP Financial Inc. discovered in a nationwide survey in 2009 that 65 percent of women between the ages of 40 and 79 had already faced a major life crisis.  These were identified as job loss, divorce, death of a spouse, serious illness or disability and, in most cases, their finances suffered a significant blow as a result.

The vulnerability triggered by such events is reflected in women’s concern about their financial future:  61 percent of the women in the survey admitted to being worried about having enough money for the rest of their lives.  Most telling, 35 percent of women have under $50,000 saved for retirement.

When I moved into that target age range of “over 50,” I watched my business crumble like a house of cards after 9-11.  That was my wake-up call to the fact that I would be totally unprepared for retirement if I didn’t figure out what was causing me to mistreat money as I had been doing, and squandering all the money I did make.

That was the start of a multi-year journey into understanding money.  (I was a finance expert, but not an expert at money.)   Fifty books and hundreds of interviews later … some casual and some formal … I was finally able to unravel the tightly wound ball we each create and call “our money.”

In hindsight, I realized there were three key questions that started that unraveling process around money:

1.     What do you believe?
2.     What do you have?
3.    What do you want?

These are grossly oversimplified.  But they truly are the secret key to getting money under control as they look at what beliefs you carry about money that are holding you back; what you actually have and actually owe today; and what you ultimately want in your life that money will make possible for you.

Each of these areas will be addressed in upcoming articles.

But until then, let me know in a comment below if you believe you are putting yourself first.  In short, in your own eyes, do you truly matter?

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Bio: Sharon O’Day lost everything at age 53: her home, her business, everything. But how could that be? She’s an expert in global finance and marketing with an MBA from the Wharton School. She has worked with governments, corporations, and individuals … yes, she was the secret “weapon,” if you will, behind many individuals in high places. Yet she did! Since then, with her finances completely turned around, Sharon has gone on to interview countless women. She’s done extensive research to understand how that could have happened, especially with her strong knowledge of numbers and finance.

The surprising answers will be shared in her upcoming book “Money After Menopause.” Today her mission is to show as many women as possible how to become financially free for the long term, through her Over Fifty and Financially Free coaching programs. She has developed a step-by-step plan to get past all the obstacles that keep women broke and scared … and from reaching the financial peace of mind they so deserve … if they’re willing to do what it takes!

Click the link to listen, if you like …

Does the Acorn Fall Far from the Tree?

The air was a little sultry when I lowered my window to give my name to the guard.  One phone call later and the huge 15-foot, scrolled-metal gates opened to let me into the condo property.  Lush landscaping dotted my route to the building where I had come to have dinner with some old friends, Phil and Elise.

They were here from Europe, enjoying the waterfront investment property they rent out by the week, mostly to other Europeans.  But fewer of their countrymen are traveling because they’re panicked over the future of Europe … and of the Euro.  So this year they had their choice of when to come enjoy the Florida sunshine.

And this year their son Jonathan wasn’t with them, so I asked how he was.

As expected, they said things were going really well.  Jon had taken his wife and child up into the mountains skiing, for a well-deserved vacation.  They were relaxing with other young couples in the family.

I remember him from his early teens.  His parents and I did business together 20 years ago; in fact, they repped one of my lines in Europe.  He came with them to Florida each year to visit his grandparents and I remember first meeting the pretty girl who would become his wife.

I also remember Jon talking about a concept he had for a business.  He was getting out of college, just about the time his parents were thinking of selling their business and taking early retirement.  They helped him get the concept off the ground.

Today his company offers mandatory training to most every major corporation in his country, both public and private.  Phil explained proudly how he was now renting Jon the offices he and Elise had grown into years earlier, before selling the business.  He talked about how his son had started at home too, working with his wife.  How they needed to expand those offices now because the business was growing by leaps and bounds.

I said, “Jon’s such a natural.  He moved into business ownership as if he had been trained for it all his life.”  And he had been.

Jon watched his parents build their business from the house.  When he was three or four, if they had a meeting at the bank, he went with them, taking his coloring books along but half listening to the conversation.  Dinner table talk was peppered with shop talk.  He heard what to do.  And what not to do.  No wonder he’s such a natural.

Today, despite the uncertainty in much of Europe, Jon’s business is blossoming.  Profitably.  He learned from his parents not to have a business with inventory, hence he trains trainers and offers training nationwide.  (No inventory.)  He learned about cash flow, so instead of having to wait 30 or 60 days for payment, he factors his invoices at a 3-4-5% discount, but has his money before he even has to pay his trainers.  And so on.

And his 6-year-old son is watching his parents grow their business, from a home-based start-up to a healthy enterprise.

Now, we don’t all have such perfect situations to model.  But the lesson is that we do indeed model ourselves after our parents, either reflecting or rejecting what they did.

In my case, my father was extremely entrepreneurial, to the point of irresponsibility.  He traveled incessantly, which made him an absentee father.  He dragged us through high peaks of wealth and low valleys of being broke.  Like a Pied Piper, he tried to convince us everything was okay.  My mother, on the other hand, was the rock.  She tried to hang on to her traditional role as wife and mother.  But, when needed, she was the one who went out and worked to keep a roof over our heads and to keep us clothed and fed the best she could.

Curious how the four of us kids turned out.

My older sister married someone who would ensure she’d never have to live with the instability my mother did.  My oldest brother reacted by working in global corporations where his rise to the top included long stints overseas, raising his kids much as we were raised, except with stability.  My other brother identified most closely with my mother, and carefully invested his solid income from solid engineering jobs he did all over the world.  All three made financial security their primary goal.

And I replicated my father to a tee.  By 19 I was starting businesses, and let my insatiable curiosity take me from one thing to another.  From one country to another.  (Life was an adventure, right?)  The biggest difference between us was that I never had children so any irresponsibility hurt no one but myself.  But I certainly drank the Kool-Aid.

I had to hit the wall financially at 53 before I looked deeply at my patterns and recognized that they would never take me to a peaceful retirement.  Instead, they’d keep me on the financial edge, as they did my father until he died at 63.  I was living a hidden vow of loyalty to my father that was stronger than my good sense.

I invested the time and energy to thoroughly understand money, the role it plays in our lives, the influence our families play in our finances … and how we can change our trajectories.

So here’s my suggestion:

Take a moment to look honestly at where you stand financially.  Then look at how you were raised.  Revisit the role played by each parent and define how much you reflect or reject each one.  Look at any hidden vows you may have made to be just like one parent … or never to be like another.

Be brave enough, if there is something you don’t like, to change it … regardless of whose feelings you think you might hurt.

You do not owe anyone a vow of loyalty to the point of putting your own financial peace of mind at risk.  Your only vow of loyalty should be to yourself and to your loved ones … to provide the greatest amount of well being you can.

And remember one more thing:  that does not necessarily mean tons of money.  It means whatever “well being” means to you.

Leave a comment below if any of this feels familiar …

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Bio: Sharon O’Day lost everything at age 53: her home, her business, everything. But how could that be? She’s an expert in global finance and marketing with an MBA from the Wharton School. She has worked with governments, corporations, and individuals … yes, she was the secret “weapon,” if you will, behind many individuals in high places. Yet she did! Since then, with her finances completely turned around, Sharon has gone on to interview countless women. She’s done extensive research to understand how that could have happened, especially with her strong knowledge of numbers and finance.

The surprising answers will be shared in her upcoming book “Money After Menopause.” Today her mission is to show as many women as possible how to become financially free for the long term, through her Over Fifty and Financially Free coaching programs. She has developed a step-by-step plan to get past all the obstacles that keep women broke and scared … and from reaching the financial peace of mind they so deserve … if they’re willing to do what it takes!

Rather listen than read?  Click the link below:

How to Truly Play Big

I always disliked the expression “put on your big girl panties” and I’m not quite sure why.  Maybe because it just felt a little demeaning.

But, the more I look at our economy, the more I realize that the government is not going to provide the solution.  So we each have to take personal responsibility for triggering its jump-start.  And what that phrase says, when we don’t have our big girl panties on, is that we’re still acting from a place of dependence.  Of little girl excuse-making.

If you’re a regular reader of mine, you know my stand on personal responsibility.  Well, here’s another take on it.

A few nights ago, I heard an interview with a guy from Goldman Sachs.  I normally think of them as the bad guys, for the role they played in helping topple the economy in 2008. But this guy in particular was worth listening to.  Jim O’Neill is the CEO of Asset Management for them.  He and Charlie Rose were discussing where the world economy – as well as ours – is going.

In talking about Europe, O’Neill mentioned that one of the biggest problems Italy has is that only 40% of its women are involved in economic activity and that the brain power, the IQ power of women in that country is being wasted.

It made me stop and think of the role of women in the world economy … and in ours.  It made me realize that if any of us is playing small, then we’re not putting out our full woman brain power … woman IQ … woman ability … woman power in general.

If ever there was a time, this is a time when we do need to play big.  We have the ability to make a difference in our economy.  The sum of the parts – the efforts of millions of women – can get this economy going.  Bit by bit.  Day by day.  But we have to get past our own head stuff.

Anything we have that’s holding us back ultimately holds everything back.  I’m not saying that we’re the cause of the problem … but I’m saying we can be the solution to the problem.

So I’m going to look in more detail at the same nine steps I wrote about in last week’s article entitled “Time to Stop Playing Small” and how those steps can help you “Play Big.”  I hope you’re in this with me, because I think we can be the real hope and change.

1.    Get your head out of the sand:  Accept that you are an intrinsic part of the economy, even if just one cog in the wheel.  (Each cog counts!)  If nothing has changed in what you’ve been doing for the last three or four years, it’s time to look at it now.

2.    Get real about your life and your money:  Most people are living in some fantasy world and have not looked honestly at what’s important and what’s not in their lives.  If that’s your case, you’re basically running on automatic.  Same goes for your money.  If you don’t know exactly how much you make and how much you spend, you’re not being honest.

3.    Stop procrastinating or lying to yourself:  We’re talking about today.  Not tomorrow.  If you’ve had plans you haven’t implemented, or if you’ve talked for ages about something you wanted to change and haven’t yet, now’s the time to change it.  Look at what you’re doing with your time and energy.  If you’re not playing full on, you’re either dragging your heels or not being truthful.  It’s time to stop that.

4.    Ignore what anyone says you can or can’t do:  No one knows you as well as you do.  (Any outside opinion is just that: an opinion.)  And only you know how badly you want to do something.  If it’s important to you, ignore everyone.  Dream as big as you want … and then move to make the dream a reality.

5.    Figure out where you want to be:  It’s about the “vision thing.”  Get very specific and very visual about what you want an hour, a day, a week and a month to look like in your ideal life.  Live it in your mind’s eye.  Feel how it feels.  Let the emotion be a driver for you.

6.    Put together a step-by-step plan to get there:  Get clear on what the gap looks like between where you are and where you want to be.  Then chunk that journey down into do-able pieces.  And write them down so you always know what to do next.

7.    Get help if you need it:  If you’re tripping over how you handle money, find an adviser or a program that can remove any fears or obstacles.  If it’s a skill you’re missing, find an adult education class.  Tap into all your friends and acquaintances by asking for advice if you think they know what you want to know.  Help is available and does not have to cost a fortune.

8.    Take the first steps:  Don’t focus on the entire journey.  It may overwhelm you.  If the first steps look easy but the steps later on scare you, just focus on the early ones.  By the time you get to the later ones, they most likely won’t scare you any more.

9.    And keep going:  Find someone to share your plan with.  Ask that person to be an accountability buddy for you.  But be sure that person believes in your dream, wants you to succeed and won’t be threatened by any change you want in your life.  And be sure to make them part of the celebration as you complete each step.

Now congratulate yourself.

You’re about to start playing big!

Drop me a note below and let me know what you’re already doing to be sure you’re in your big girl panties …

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Bio: Sharon O’Day lost everything at age 53: her home, her business, everything. But how could that be? She’s an expert in global finance and marketing with an MBA from the Wharton School. She has worked with governments, corporations, and individuals … yes, she was the secret “weapon,” if you will, behind many individuals in high places. Yet she did! Since then, with her finances completely turned around, Sharon has gone on to interview countless women. She’s done extensive research to understand how that could have happened, especially with her strong knowledge of numbers and finance.

The surprising answers will be shared in her upcoming book “Money After Menopause.” Today her mission is to show as many women as possible how to become financially free for the long term, through her “Over Fifty and Financially Free” coaching programs. She has developed a step-by-step plan to get past all the obstacles that keep women broke and scared … and from reaching the financial peace of mind they so deserve … if they’re willing to do what it takes!

If you’d rather listen, click here:

Savings Accounts Secret Weapon

Three separate clients of mine were almost giddy this week as they talked about their savings accounts.

What they didn’t know was that having them open a savings account is one of my two little secrets to shifting how they look at money … and themselves.

Truth is, not that long ago they were each facing different combinations of paralyzing debt, inability to focus on work, major procrastination, out-of-kilter income and outflow, denial, uncontrolled spending and other destructive money behaviors.

Opening a savings account?

Sounds petty, I know, but it’s not.  And it doesn’t even matter how much or how little is in the account.  There is something magical about putting some funds aside in your name.  Maybe it’s a sign that you’re taking care of yourself.  Maybe it answers a deep question about deserving.  Whatever it is, it’s the cause of a major shift in virtually everybody’s behavior and attitude towards money.

And once the account is open, what typically happens is that spending plans are revisited to see if there isn’t more cash that can be squeezed out to add to the savings.  In fact, online accounts are best because they make it easy to make transfers in.  (And, not to worry, you’ll be surprised at how resistant you are to transferring it back out.)

The holidays are almost here, and the last thing you’re thinking of is opening a savings account.  However, year-end resolutions might be percolating in the back of your mind.  And we know how long those last.

So I propose something different for this year:  instead of making New Year’s resolutions about losing a few pounds or getting up an hour early so you’re not late to everything, make yourself a gift instead.

Scrounge up whatever money you can find, even if it’s just loose change around the house, and open an account in your name.  Better yet, if someone happens to say, “Hey, what would you like for Christmas this year?” … say, “I’d love money instead of a gift.  I’m opening a savings account so I can start having peace of mind this coming year.  And I’d love for you to have a hand in it.”

Because you do deserve that peace of mind.  And this little secret is the most powerful thing you can do to take the first step in that direction.

So here’s to your peace of mind, Savings Buddy!

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Bio: Sharon O’Day lost everything at age 53: her home, her business, everything. But how could that be? She’s an expert in global finance and marketing with an MBA from the Wharton School. She has worked with governments, corporations, and individuals … yes, she was the secret “weapon,” if you will, behind many individuals in high places. Yet she did! Since then, with her finances completely turned around, Sharon has gone on to interview countless women. She’s done extensive research to understand how that could have happened, especially with her strong knowledge of numbers and finance.

The surprising answers will be shared in her upcoming book “Money After Menopause.” Today her mission is to show as many women as possible how to become financially free for the long term, through her “Over Fifty and Financially Free” coaching programs. She has developed a step-by-step plan to get past all the obstacles that keep women broke and scared … and from reaching the financial peace of mind they so deserve.

Click to hear the audio (under 8 minutes):

Safe Holiday Shopping

Holiday shopping!  Black Friday alerts are popping up all over my email these days, a sure sign that the peak holiday shopping season can’t be far away.

Excitement’s up, precaution’s down.  And, like all the scumbags that appear right after a major hurricane to take advantage of people who have their guard down, the scammers and pickpockets are going into hyper drive.

As someone who hopes you think twice (or three or four times) before spending senselessly on gifts … because I’m concerned about your long-term financial well-being … I know when I’m licked.  So if I can’t save you from yourself, I may as well at least try to save you getting taken by outsiders.

According to the security company Symantec/Norton, $114 billion were lost last year through global cyber crime, or deceptive online practices.  Lost time related to that accounted for $274 billion more.  Together, that’s more than the value of the global black market in marijuana, cocaine and heroin combined!

More than two thirds of online adults have been a victim of cyber crime in their lifetime. Fourteen adults become a victim of cyber crime every second, resulting in more than one million cyber crime victims every day.  Now 10 percent of adults online have experienced cyber crime on their mobile phone as well.  And those numbers are growing.

But you already know about all the online protections you should take:

1.    If you go to a URL from another website or email, double check the URL to be sure you haven’t been redirected somewhere else.
2.    Before putting your payment information into a site, be sure the URL starts with “https” instead of “http.”  And look for the little closed padlock icon in your browser window.  At least you’ll be on a secure website.
3.    Use credit cards instead of debit cards, because you have more recourse if you do land in a scammer’s grasp.  And Paypal is even better since the seller never sees your credit card information.
4.    On big-ticket items, you might be asked security questions.  These authentication questions are for your own protection … as long as you’re talking to a real retailer.
5.    The 3- or 4-digit security number on your card plays the same role.  Only you (and someone who has stolen your card!) would have it as it’s physically on your card.  If the card has been stolen, hopefully the merchant will ask for your billing address zip code, which a thief would not know.

And when you go fight the crowds, which some of you will, here are a few well-known tips about “What’s In YOUR Wallet”:

1.    Only take cards you know you’re going to need.  If you still have a boatload of them, leave most of them at home so it’s less devastating if a pickpocket decides to relieve you of that fat wallet in your back pocket or purse.
2.    If you carry checks, be sure they don’t have your Social Security Number on them.  And having your address and phone number at work printed on checks is a lot smarter than those at home.
3.    Instead of signing the back of your credit cards, write “Photo ID Required” in the signature space.
4.    Before you venture out to malls and big box stores, spread every card on a copier and copy both sides of every license, credit card, etc.  That goes for your Social Security card too.  And leave the copies at home, safely filed where only you know where they are.  What you can take with you, but shouldn’t leave in your wallet or purse, is a listing of stolen-card alert numbers at:

•    Visa (1-800-847-2911)
•    Mastercard (1-800-627-8372)
•    Discover (1-800-347-2683)
•    Equifax (1-800-525-6285)
•    Experian/TRW (1-888-397-3742)
•    TransUnion (1-800-680-7289)
•    Social Security fraud line (1-800-269-0271)

There, I made it easier.  Print this page and cut out the numbers.  And remember to call all of the ones that apply immediately after a loss.
5.    If something awful does happen, be sure to file a police report in the jurisdiction where it happened, not once you get back home.  It’s no guarantee that they’ll ever find the criminals, but at least you can prove to card issuers that you did your due diligence.  And once home, notify your card issuers in writing as well, immediately.

This is all information that circulates pretty freely, so I’m just serving as your reminder service.  But I’d like to share the extra steps I take because I take my money, as well as my personal identity, super seriously.

1.    If I’m searching for a certain product online and Google it, I don’t follow a link haphazardly because it’s too easy for shadow sites to be created around popular products.  The goal of such sites is to obtain my personal information directly or by putting malware on my computer.  Instead, I find out where the product is being sold and I type in the online or offline retailer’s URL directly.
2.    I bought an RFID wallet online from TamperSeal that fits my passport and the few credit cards I carry.  (No, I have no affiliation; I just love the product and their service.) Thanks to a thin metal mesh inside the leather, the RFID chip on those documents can’t be read, so my personal information can’t be harvested by anyone who’s sneaky enough to buy an RFID chip reader.  Card issuers claim there is no danger, but I’d rather be safe than sorry.
3.    I pay for one of those identify-theft protection services.  I saw the level of protection it provided when I tried to buy my first big-ticket item after activating it, and I consider the service one more welcome layer of protection.
4.    Even if we buy everything on credit cards, and not on the less-protected debit cards, eventually we need to make a payment out of a bank account, even if it’s just for the credit card balance.  And then there are all those online payments we make:  phone, lights, cable, internet, etc.  I have only one bank account that has online access to it, and I monitor the activity on that account by looking at it online every day.  That’s partly for safety, and partly because of the connectedness it gives me to my money.  My money remains “physical” in my brain, and not invisible “funds” that move about at the click of a mouse.
5.    Lastly, to be sure I limit my exposure in that account, I move money into it periodically.  But to sleep really well at night, I don’t transfer money in from another account.  I physically go to the other bank, take out the cash I’ve budgeted and drive it to deposit in the bank with the online account.  Call me crazy.  Call me paranoid.  I call it “safe.”

As Sergeant Phil Esterhaus used to say at the end of roll call on Hill Street Blues, “Let’s be careful out there.”

And let us know in the comment section below if you have any other suggestions you’d like to share.

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Bio:Sharon O’Day lost everything at age 53: her home, her business, everything. But how could that be? She’s an expert in global finance and marketing with an MBA from the Wharton School. She has worked with governments, corporations, and individuals … yes, she was the secret “weapon,” if you will, behind many individuals in high places. But yet she did! Since then, Sharon has interviewed countless women and done extensive research to understand how that could have happened, especially with her strong knowledge of numbers and finance.

The surprising answers will be shared in her upcoming book “Money After Menopause.” Today her mission is to show as many women as possible how to become financially free for the long term, through her “Over Fifty and Financially Free” coaching programs. She has developed a step-by-step plan to get past all the obstacles that keep women broke and scared … and from reaching the financial peace of mind they so deserve.

Click if you’d rather listen:

Overspending

Hmmmm, overspending.  If there was ever any doubt, one thing the economic meltdown in 2008 made obvious was that Americans were clearly spending more than they earned.  Consumer debt had never been higher.  What’s worse, most everyone felt a sense of entitlement, whether they could afford to buy or not.  This excessive materialism had become the American Way.

After all, everyone overspends a bit, don’t they?  Little treats?  Little sins?

When spending is pushed to where it starts having a negative impact on personal finances, the purchasing pattern is considered “overspending.”  At that point, the act seeks to fulfill a painful void, a need for comfort, affection, and connection.

These kinds of money behaviors may feel automatic, almost subconscious.  (That’s because the behaviors are automatic, at least until the big spenders figure out—by themselves or with help—what the triggers and explanations are .)

The causes range from a multitude of situations:  having suffered deprivation as a child, being teased by schoolmates for dressing differently, in fact, any feeling of material inferiority.  (And our consumer-oriented society can be relentless.)

The result is often a desire to impress others with what they own or are able to obtain in the form of services.  Low self-worth or self-esteem gets masked by material excess.

Overspending can actually begin one generation earlier.  Here parents justify overspending on their children and end up distorting their kids’ sense of worth: of money and of things.  The parents’ excuse is that they never want their children to go through feeling the way they did when they were young: ostracized or teased.

Memories of inconsistent family patterns—where parents swung like a pendulum, from ignoring money one day to obsessing over it the next—can lead to overspending too, in the absence of clear, consistent role models.

Or maybe the myth of fairy godmothers waving magic wands and manifesting money lasted into adulthood, so “it’s only money” translates into the belief that there’s an endless supply.  In this case, the idea of self-control seems pointless.

Whatever the cause, overspenders often create little rituals around the act of spending.  The shopping experience may be used to feel connected to a community made up of store clerks, managers, and others who are more than happy to cater to them … as long as they’re spending money.  In their minds, that catering is interpreted as a feeling of importance and love.

Lots of overspenders are confused about the role that money plays and how they relate to it.  They may have adopted the maxim that more money will make them happy, yet they find themselves deep in debt and unable to buy things as a result of their out-of-control spending.  And, with each cycle, the level of anxiety increases.

Some women’s concept of money is subjective, since money is spent in order to meet emotional needs instead of simply to acquire goods and services.  As a result, their moods are what determine whether they feel their available funds are insufficient or limitless.  How much they can afford to spend becomes hard to define.  Money looks more like Monopoly currency, so they spend it that way.

When Things Get Serious

Say certain women have an irresistible urge to spend.  Once they start, they lose control.  Having lost control—again!—triggers guilt and anxiety.  What can soothe those terribly uncomfortable feelings?  More spending.  (Imagine what online shopping has done to overspenders, by turning shopping into a 24/7 activity.)  And so it goes until they reach serious levels known as compulsive buying disorder.

Women with this disorder are consumed by money worries.  They use the act of shopping itself as a temporary escape from depression, acute emptiness, or earlier traumas.  The shopping urges they feel are irresistible as they look forward to the dopamine rush that floods their brains as that credit card gets swiped by yet another store clerk.  Soon, remorse sets in and their feelings of low self-esteem take over.  And back they go to patch over those feelings with yet another purchase.  The results are often overwhelming debt, bankruptcy, and/or loss of a spouse.

Compulsive buying is as common as clinical depression in the U.S., affecting 5 percent of the population.  And of those, sadly, 75 percent are women.

As in the case of other addictive and compulsive disorders, women dealing with compulsive buying disorders should seek professional assistance or 12-step groups such as Debtors Anonymous.

And for those of you who simply spend a bit more than you earn, take a look at what you’re doing with your money.  If it feels at all out of kilter, stop, and think back to where that behavior might be coming from.  Look honestly at how money was handled in your home, how you felt in the early years and which, if any, of the explanations above resonated with you.

Remember:  just because you have a money behavior that resulted from how you were raised, that doesn’t mean you can’t reverse it.  And the feeling of control and pride that comes with monetary self control is a beautiful thing.  Let me help you reach it!

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Bio: Sharon O’Day lost everything at age 53: her home, her business, everything. But how could that be? She’s an expert in global finance and marketing with an MBA from the Wharton School. She has worked with governments, corporations, and individuals … yes, she was the secret “weapon,” if you will, behind many individuals in high places. Yet she did! Since then, Sharon has interviewed countless women and done extensive research to understand how that could have happened, especially with her strong knowledge of numbers and finance.

The surprising answers will be shared in her upcoming book “Money After Menopause.” Today her mission is to show as many women as possible how to become financially free for the long term, through her “Over Fifty and Financially Free” coaching programs. She has developed a step-by-step plan to get past all the obstacles that keep women broke and scared … and from reaching the financial peace of mind they so deserve.

Would you rather listen?  If so, click here:

Letting Go of Prince Charming

“Read it to me one more time, Mommy.”

And off we go again, hearing how the damsel in distress was swept off her feet by her charming prince … and lived happily ever after.

Unfortunately, that’s probably one of the most insidious things our mothers could have put in our heads. Yet, virtually all of them did.

In many cases, those long-ago, childhood memories were left in that less-visited portion of our brains: the subconscious instead of the conscious part.

As we grew up, Prince Charming stayed in hibernation as we went through school, watched our own persona develop, and started believing we could indeed do whatever we wanted. (He may actually have been more present in your mother’s conscious brain than in yours, as she envisioned your future for you.)

But if you’re in your fifties or older, you were reaching maturity in an age when Elizabeth Cady Stanton, Betty Friedan and Gloria Steinem had already done the heavy lifting. Women’s Lib had already opened some doors, even if it hadn’t established any rules or realistic expectations. All we knew was that we had no excuses: we were expected to do our part and be as effective in the boardroom as we were in the bedroom … and in the kitchen.

Then came love. Suddenly, everything we had achieved, often at great personal cost and frustration, was put on a second plane. After all, he asked us to marry! Marriage! We were going to be able to dress like princesses with flowing white veils. Our groom would look absolutely handsome, in fact, princely. This would be a special day, a bit of a fairy tale …

Hmmmm. A fairy tale.

The fairy tale was so powerful, tugging at memories of cuddly sessions in bed as our mothers read aloud about regular little girls who were saved by a prince and lived happily ever after.

Why would we ever ask any questions? Such as: What were his financial dreams? How did he look at money? How did he spend it? How did he expect the two would share the financial role within the couple? In short, what kind of financial match was he? Why ask and maybe rock the boat? After all, we were going to live happily ever after.

Once married, we tucked away the fairy tale memories for safe-keeping.

Soon demands on our time and our energy escalated: one child after the other was born. Colic, diapers, boo-boos, after-school schedules, soccer practice and teenage acne added to the weight of our days.

And falling into our beds, exhausted, added to the reality of our nights.

However, our mission was clear. We were supposed to be Superwoman. Somehow we were to master it all.  Or at least fake it.

Whether our careers were put on temporary hold, or we juggled them along with our household duties, we recognized that, deep down, we had become pretty amazing beings. We pulled our weight sufficiently to believe that we could probably take care of ourselves financially. If push came to shove and something dire happened, we probably had the wherewithal to deal with whatever hand was dealt us.

Fast forward to our 50s, today. That “fairy tale” story has had one of several endings. If lucky, the bride and groom continued side-by-side, sharing responsibilities, each taking his or her traditional role; the kids grew up and married and today everything is hunky-dory.

But other potential endings exist as well: widowhood … divorce … job loss by our mates.

That’s when the real test kicks in about how well we learned the lessons of financial adeptness and comfort. About how far we developed our concept of self-responsibility. Whether enough of our self-identity has survived the years. Whether some event will eventually trigger the critical factor of self-preservation.

Some of us will pass, some of won’t.

But here is what is most amazing: whether we take the reins and build a strong financial foundation for ourselves or not, at some point the fantasy that was left sleeping quietly in our subconscious minds for so many years … reawakens.

As incongruous or even intellectually silly as it may seem, something deep inside us calls again for a man who’s a provider. A handsome prince on a white horse. We want the shoulder to lean on, whether we need his money or not. We love having the door opened and the restaurant tab disappearing from the table. In short, someone to “take care of it all.”

It’s true that the “Women’s Rights era” we enjoy today represents a very short blip on the timeline of history. How long have we had the right to vote? The right to take out loans in our own names without our husbands’ signature? The right to attend virtually any university or to work in any profession?

From the time women gained full civil rights in 1848, seven generations of women have deliberately pushed, cajoled and demanded changes in family life, in religion, in government, in employment and in education.

So, more than likely, our natural reflex action to find a strong provider harkens back to a purely biological need: the fact that women sought out the men who seemed most able to protect and feed them … and their offspring … in order to perpetuate the species.

Who would think that something this complex would be wrapped up in something so innocent: the story of a beguiling young girl and her fantasies about being swept off her feet by a handsome young man by the name of Prince Charming?

Are you still waiting for yours? Does that fantasy come and go, peeking out in moments of greater financial uncertainty? What role does that childhood fairy tale play in your future plans, especially the long-term ones?

It’s okay that he’s there, because he’s in the subconscious of virtually every woman. The key is to know how real he is … and how much of a fairy tale.

(Whatever you do, be sure you’re taking care of yourself.)

And let me know in the comment section below what you think …

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Bio: Sharon O’Day lost everything at age 53: her home, her business, everything. But how could that be? She’s an expert in global finance and marketing with an MBA from the Wharton School. She has worked with governments, corporations, and individuals … yes, she was the secret “weapon,” if you will, behind many individuals in high places. But yet she did! Since then, Sharon has interviewed countless women and done extensive research to understand how that could have happened, especially with her strong knowledge of numbers and finance.

The surprising answers will be shared in her upcoming book “Money After Menopause.” Today her mission is to show as many women as possible how to become financially free for the long term, through her “Over Fifty and Financially Free” coaching programs. She has developed a step-by-step plan to get past all the obstacles that keep women broke and scared … and from reaching the financial peace of mind they so deserve.

On widows and money … have 5 minutes?  Click to listen:

Who Says Widows Are Old?

Widows are old women, about the age of our grandmothers, right?  Well, not exactly.  Here’s what I found on a blog today:

“I just read that the average age for a widow is 56. Seems rather young to me…”
“I got inducted at 40 …”
“Well I am 58.”
“I am 51 and hubby was 57…”
“I might be the exception. I’m 33 and hubby passed at 34.”
“I was 52, my husband was 53.”

The truth is that today around 90 percent of women outlive their spouses and the average age of a widow in the U.S. is 56.

Why is this important?  Because too many women who are uncomfortable with money hide behind excuses like “Oh, money is a man’s job” or “I’m just not good at money so I leave that to my partner.”  And they’re totally ignorant about their finances.

That’s a recipe for disaster.  For total vulnerability.

Realize that nothing could leave you less prepared to deal with the double whammy of a serious life event such as the death of a mate.  You’d be facing not only the massive grief, disorientation, and loneliness of such a loss, but would also be totally unprepared when it comes to your finances.

You say it couldn’t happen to you?  Well, more than 14 percent of women between 20 and 64 are widows.  So maybe you need to think again.

Nobody wants to think about the unpleasantness of death, whether their own or someone else’s.  But, to my knowledge, none of us is going to come out of this life alive.  So maybe a little time and energy invested in being more of a financial partner with your mate might be a good strategy.

[As a side note, this works in the opposite direction as well, if the woman has taken total control of finances and has left her partner in a vulnerable position.  Lack of knowledge is lack of knowledge; it knows no gender.]

So here are the first conversations and actions to have together:

1.    Find out what each one wants.  What do each of you have as financial goals and how do you define wealth or financial freedom?  What’s important in terms of lifestyle?  What are your hopes and dreams?

2.    Find common ground.  Once everything is on the table (you might be surprised what you hear!), figure out how to come to some common vision so you’re not working at cross purposes.  You won’t have identical goals; after all, you’re two distinct individuals.

3.    Get clear on where you are today.  Find out what has been done already in terms of planning (or not!) by the other party.  Get real clear on where you stand financially as a couple and try to understand exactly what you both have in terms of debts, assets, investments … all the things you’ve probably been hiding from.

4.    Put a plan together.  If one of you is better than the other at putting together a spending plan, fine.  But don’t prepare one in a vacuum.  Talk about it.  Make joint decisions, knowing that some of them will be tough.  It’s okay; you’ll survive whatever they are.

5.    Share the bill-paying function.  Don’t let bill-paying be a lonely function.  Share the responsibility, either alternating or doing it jointly.  This not only keeps the dialog open, and allows you to adjust as circumstances change, but also helps you both stay accountable.

6.    And have the toughest conversation.  As much as you’d like to avoid it, talk about death, about each other’s last wishes.  About what will happen to the children, if there are any.  See an accountant, financial advisor, lawyer and any other counselor to be sure you have all your critical papers in order: wills, trusts, and so forth.  And know where everything is.

Your relationship is a partnership, in every possible way.  Not having an open dialog about money allows part of that partnership to wither.  To cut one person out of the money dialog is disrespectful and disempowering, and you both deserve to have a voice in it.

Besides, when one of you dies, do you really want to leave the other vulnerable at an already difficult time?  Or would it be better to be fully prepared and empowered so at least one part of that painful period can be a smooth transition?

No excuses.  No “we’ll do it next year.”  It’s never too soon.  You’re never too young.

So go ahead, do it now.  (And leave me a comment below on when you’ll have that done …)

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Bio:  Sharon O’Day lost everything at age 53: her home, her business, everything. But how could that be? She’s an expert in global finance and marketing with an MBA from the Wharton School. She has worked with governments, corporations, and individuals … yes, she was the secret “weapon,” if you will, behind many individuals in high places. But yet she did! Since then, Sharon has interviewed countless women and done extensive research to understand how that could have happened, especially with her strong knowledge of numbers and finance.

The surprising answers will be shared in her upcoming book “Money After Menopause.” Today her mission is to show as many women as possible how to become financially free for the long term, through her “Over Fifty and Financially Free” coaching programs.  She has developed a step-by-step plan to get past all the obstacles that keep women broke and scared … and from reaching the financial peace of mind they so deserve.

I could hear the excitement in her voice, even though I was just reading the words of her email.  “This ‘relationship with money’ stuff has been a total game-changer.  It’s changed my life.  It’s the first time I’ve felt like a full partner when it comes to our money!”

You see, I’m presenting my “three aspects of money” philosophy in a group setting for the first time.  It’s a virtual workshop, accessed by computer and by phone.  And, because I’m not working one-on-one, I wasn’t sure how effective it would be.

What has surprised me the most?  The number of couples who are listening, together or separately, and having it affect their money dialog so radically.  Their stories are like surprise “gifts” to me.

That first “emailer” called herself a stay-at-home-mom as they raised their kids.  But things started changing once the kids were grown and her husband left Corporate America to open his own manufacturing business.  She had always paid the monthly household bills, and was privy to the general lines of their investments.

But the weakened economy turned the business upside down.  Soon she had to go into the company to replace the receptionist/secretary/administrative assistant (and general get-it-done person) so they could eliminate one more salary … and keep the doors open.

Suddenly she realized how little she knew about how her husband’s business operated.  What did the critical numbers look like?  Yet he wasn’t in any hurry to share what he strangely considered “his turf.”

She convinced him to listen to the Money Mastery Makeover workshop calls.  By the end of the third one, she says it was like a switch was flipped.  Her husband just wrote me to tell me they had spent Saturday going over company figures so she could understand what was going on.  “My wife’s now a true partner in our efforts not just to keep the business afloat, but to turn it around together.  She’s really perceptive, and came up with some great ideas on how we can use our money better!”

The second “gift” came from two people in their forties who are trying to blend their families together, as they get closer to marrying after their respective divorces.  But the greatest stumbling block has been the drastic difference in their spending patterns and their relationship with money.

Those differences have been the fodder for fight after fight, almost putting the marriage at risk.  Imagine how excited I felt when I read their note.  “We finally have a way to channel our feelings as we discuss money, because you’ve shown us how emotional money can be if not dealt with the right way.  We have a whole new language.”

My third “gift” came from a widower who has been following my writings for quite awhile.  He has remarried and has written me notes every so often about how baffled he is.  His new wife seems so like his first wife in values and everything.  In fact, the two women grew up together and had been childhood friends.

Yet he can’t believe how differently his new wife deals with money.  It’s already wreaking havoc with what should be a rosy, romantic time in their lives.   (And he couldn’t get her to read my articles.)

He made her sit beside him as he listened to the calls on the computer last week, and coaxed her to do the exercises.  The call on the third night showed him how different she was from his first wife … because of childhood events that had formed her relationship with money.  The calls opened up a powerful dialog between them, and they both feel they have some work to do.

So, not only do they now understand where surprising behaviors and reactions come from, but the widower says, “It’s helped me understand her frustration at being unfairly considered my first wife’s clone.  You’re right:  our relationship with money does touch every part of our lives.  Thanks, Sharon.”

What a week!  Three gifts!  I had no idea that what I had designed “to help entrepreneurial women in their 50s get control over their money” would be such an effective tool for couples.  I hadn’t thought about how “relationship with money” could be just as critical to couples as it is to individuals.  But then, everyone’s just trying to be financially free.

Let me know in a comment below what you think the greatest challenge is that couples face with money.

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Bio:  Sharon O’Day lost everything at age 53: her home, her business, everything. But how could that be? She’s an expert in global finance and marketing with an MBA from the Wharton School. She has worked with governments, corporations, and individuals … yes, she was the secret “weapon,” if you will, behind many individuals in high places. But yet she did! Since then, Sharon has interviewed countless women and done extensive research to understand how that could have happened, especially with her strong knowledge of numbers and finance.

The surprising answers will be shared in her upcoming book “Money After Menopause.” Today her mission is to show as many women as possible how to become financially free for the long term, through her “Over Fifty and Financially Free” coaching programs.  She has developed a step-by-step plan to get past all the obstacles that keep women broke and scared … and from reaching the financial peace of mind they so deserve.