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Relationship With Money

We throw the word “money” around with very little thought.

And that could be costing you big time.

As we go into this next year, it’s more important than ever to get a real close (in fact “intimate”) relationship with your money.  Not something you keep at arm’s length.  But instead, something that, if you personified it, you could have sitting across the table from you, sharing a cup of tea or a cold beer.  A friend, an ally, someone who has your back.

Okay, that may sound crazy.  But I can’t think of another way to get you to understand that you can’t be financially free or secure if you think of money as your enemy.  Or if you ignore it like that unused workout equipment that’s sitting hidden in your garage.

So I’d like you to take a little time to think through the questions I’m going to ask about different associations we all have with money.  If you answer honestly, you’ll soon know where the sticking points are in how you relate to your money.  And where you might want to do some work so you have a fighting chance to make 2012 a positive year rather than one where you tread water or, worse yet, fall further behind.

Security:  Did your family have trouble meeting its bills and did it ever make you feel insecure about your home life?  Or did you know you’d always be safe, no matter what?  Can you cover all your bills comfortably today?  Do you save for a rainy day?  Looking way forward, how much thought have you given to how you’re going to actually pay for all the years you’ll be retired, whether by choice or forcefully?  Have you done any calculations?  Do you have a plan in place?  Are you following that plan?  Or are you ignoring the topic altogether?

Freedom:  How do you define being “financially free?”  What does it mean to you?  Do you avoid the question because you feel trapped in the lifestyle and debt you’re carrying today?  Do you have a clear vision of what “financially free” looks and feels like?  Do you know what that will cost?  Have you put together a plan of how you’re going to get there?

Love:  What are your money expectations when you enter into (or stay in) a personal relationship?  Does love conquer all in a relationship?  Or does money have the power to make or break one?  Are you still waiting to be rescued?  Did you ever equate whether your parents spent money on you with whether or not they loved you?  Did your family have a lot of money and you often wondered if your friends liked you or liked all the nice things you had?

Acceptance:  Do you compare yourself with others around you and feel they judge you in any way?  Do you remember ever being teased at school because of where you lived or how you dressed?  Or do you worry that if you make too much money you’ll no longer by loved and liked by your family and friends?  Or do you feel you need to earn a lot of money for people to think highly of you?

Control:  Did either of your parents give you money or withhold things from you to get you to behave in a certain way?  Have you had boyfriends or a husband who used money to control you?  Have you ever hidden some spending from a partner because you were afraid of the consequences?  Have you ever used money to control your children, including paying their bills in order to keep them close?

Power:  Did your parents argue about money and did you feel the one who lost the argument was the weaker of the two?  Do you open and review all bills and statements?  Or do you relinquish your power to the fear that comes from not knowing where you stand?  Do you feel driven to amass large amounts of money in order to feel powerful?

Status:  Do you purchase things because of what others will think of you if you have them?  Do you drive a car you can’t really afford?  Do you live in a house that’s in keeping with your present income and circumstances, or does it drain a disproportionate amount of your income?

One thing you should know:  there are no right or wrong answers.  Any behaviors that we’re not proud of typically result from how we were raised and what we were taught … or not taught.

So just take note of where you got a little twinge of discomfort as you answered.  Know that it’s a place where your relationship with money is less than direct or clear.  Examine it.  Question where it might have come from.  Change it.

We’re all masters of our own destiny, you know.

Money has no innate power of its own.  But it can either be something you have a healthy use for … or it can act as a roadblock because of the emotional energy you have imbued it with.

It’s entirely up to you.

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Bio: Sharon O’Day lost everything at age 53: her home, her business, everything. But how could that be? She’s an expert in global finance and marketing with an MBA from the Wharton School. She has worked with governments, corporations, and individuals … yes, she was the secret “weapon,” if you will, behind many individuals in high places. Yet she did! Since then, with her finances completely turned around, Sharon has gone on to interview countless women. She’s done extensive research to understand how that could have happened, especially with her strong knowledge of numbers and finance.

The surprising answers will be shared in her upcoming book “Money After Menopause.” Today her mission is to show as many women as possible how to become financially free for the long term, through her “Over Fifty and Financially Free” coaching programs. She has developed a step-by-step plan to get past all the obstacles that keep women broke and scared … and from reaching the financial peace of mind they so deserve.

In case you’d rather listen, click here:

Forget Resolutions: Countdown to Twenty-Twelve

The holidays have peaked.  You’re sitting back, basking in the warmth of family joy.  There are leftovers in the fridge, and bags of torn wrappings for the garbage pickup.  (“Hmmm, there must be a more environmental way … but the kids do love to tear off that paper …”)

All the planning, all the adrenaline build-up, all the checklists made for a perfect couple of days.  Except that little glitch, of course, you know the one.  (There’s always one.  What was it this year?)

Your emotions ricochet between satisfaction and exhaustion and relief.  It’s over.  We made it past this first phase of the holidays.  Done.

Now starts the countdown to Twenty-Twelve.

This last third of December comes under some sort of “fantasy umbrella.”  Rules are broken.  We allow ourselves little no-no’s, and then say we’ll make up for them in the New Year.  And, after the tough year some of us have had, maybe we really deserve the respite.

But I challenge you to fit one new piece into the countdown to New Year’s.

Sure, you’re thinking of how you’re going to usher in the New Year.  Where you’ll go, what you’ll do, what you’ll wear, and if those holiday pounds will show.  Or, how to make that sensible stay-at-home celebration meaningful.  No, not meaningful.  Glorious!

Somewhere in the back of your mind, you’re also thinking “resolutions.”  Everyone is.  And everyone knows very few resolutions ever make it past January 5th.

So this year I propose a new little challenge.

In the next few days leading to the New Year, write down the five things you wish had been different in 2011.  Maybe you already know what they are and can write them down right now.  Maybe you need to let the task simmer in your brain for a few days, and let them come to the fore one by one.

By sometime around December 30th, be sure you have your list of five things.  Sit down over a cup of tea or coffee, somewhere quiet, and think of the opposite of each of those five things.

•    “I wish I didn’t have to work so hard and had more time for my family” becomes “I put in reasonable work hours and have more time for my family.”
•    “I wish it weren’t so hard to close out each month because my income is too small” becomes “It’s easy to close out each month because my income is large.”
•    “I wish I weren’t so tired all the time from carrying this extra weight” becomes “I’m full of energy because my weight is in a healthy range.”

Write them on a clean piece of paper.

At the top of the page, write “What 2012 Will Bring Me.”  Make it fancy.  Make it simple.  Do whatever you want, but “make it.”

Post your intentions for the year somewhere where you see them all the time:  over your computer, on the fridge door, in your top desk drawer.

Goals are supposed to be real specific:  losing 25 pounds, earning $35,000 more, for example.  But that’s how resolutions get broken, and then abandoned.

Instead of defining exactly how and what you’ll do, you’ve plotted out your direction for the year.  Your subconscious now knows what you want.  And each time you have a decision to make, looking at your list will help you decide which way to go.

I bet by the end of 2012 you’ll find you’ve made some major strides on some of the things you said you want.

Give it a try.  It’s infinitely better than making … and breaking … resolutions.  As we all do.

And, if you’d like to post one or two of your intentions in the comment section below (after all, some are too private to post!), please do so.  It might be just the incentive someone else needs!

Here’s to making Twenty-Twelve a truly stellar year!

Would you rather just listen?  Click here:

Audio: Talking About Debt

Dateline:  Miami, FL, 2001

“I have good credit.  I can just put it on my cards …” I said.

That’s how I justified the poor behavior of my six foreign business partners.  They refused to help make up for their government’s decision to hold back the funding it promised our venture.

Somehow I thought it was okay for me to shoulder my part … and theirs … although I was a minority partner.

And then an event occurred that was outside my control – and which I could never have foreseen.  By the way, things like that do occur, no matter how well you plan.  It’s called “Life.”

In my case it was 9/11.  The economy stagnated as the world (and American business in particular) sat waiting for the other shoe to drop.  Meanwhile, two of our major clients went bankrupt, ensuring that we wouldn’t ever get paid the second half of the huge year-end orders they had placed.

It was all over.  All my cards, business and personal, were maxed out.  The business credit line was tapped.  No reserves for a hole that large in the budget.  No savings.  No Plan B.

So I know all about the dark days of debt, seeing the steady stream of bills flowing in and knowing that there’s not that much in all the checking accounts combined.

x-x-x-x-x

I tell you this tale of woe because it’s representative of what often happens when you carry debt … regardless what the details are of your specific story.

However, with changing times, how we look at debt is no longer how we were raised to look at it.  And that change has caught many people off guard.

We were told all along that there was “good debt” and “bad debt.”  Good debt was seen as an investment:  say in a house that would increase in value over time; maybe in an expensive education that would increase one’s lifetime earning capacity.

And “bad debt” was seen as anything incurred for things that devalued with time, such as consumer products, meals, and so forth.  This form of debt was (and still is) best represented by what’s carried on our credit cards.

What’s changed today?  Well, in keeping with the phrase “the good, the bad and the ugly,” almost all debt today qualifies as ugly.  (At least for those of us too unconnected to have access to the inner sanctums of Wall Street firms, mega-billionaire and market manipulator George Soros and others with insider knowledge.)

So what happened to “good debt?”  Well, the housing market is giving ample witness to the fact that it is no longer a safe and ever-increasing store of value.  Just ask the millions whose mortgages are upside down just in the U.S. – that is, they owe more than the house is worth.

Or ask the unemployed 21-year-olds holding a sheepskin diploma – whether from mid-tier schools or diploma mills – what they think their costly educations are worth now.  Granted, unemployment for those holding college degrees is lower than for most others, but a degree is no longer the guarantee of employment it once was.

Pretty ugly.

And what about “bad debt?”  Americans are taking on more and more, with a national average interest rate of 14.99% while the cost of money is down under 1%.  The huge spread results from a combination of high default rates and getting away with whatever the market can bear.

Still ugly.

And what else has shifted?  Frankly, all the foundational economic rules.  When trying to forecast how the economy will react to a particular event, there used to be logical rules.  But now, it’s hard to advise someone how fast to pay down their outstanding debt, for example.  Do they pay down cards or hold on to cash?  Since the  economic tsunami in 2008, all the government intervention in the markets – bailing out banks and corporations, printing money madly and cutting behind-closed-doors deals – means that A plus B does not equal C any more.

How long will it take for the economy to turn around?  We don’t know.  Will all the money printing result in hyperinflation?  We don’t know.  Will government continue covering all the “safety net” entitlements?  We don’t know.

So what to do?

Find where your outflow of money equals your inflow of money.  If need be, pay down debt to that point.  Or increase your income.  That balance is where you’ll find your personal point of peace of mind.

If you haven’t started scrambling yet, and you’re carrying debt, it’s time to scramble.  (And, radical as it sounds, target having a No-New-Debt holiday season.)

With the level of uncertainty the economy is demonstrating, it’s time to be financially conservative.  Do what you can to build up resources that will carry you through unexpected events.  Do extra odd jobs to bring in more money if needed to drive down debt or to set money aside.

Am I a total pessimist?  No, I’m not.  I’m not predicting a dire future because I trust that someone somewhere somehow will put on the brakes before we reach pandemonium.

But I do think we should prepare so we’re functioning from a place of peace of mind, where our judgment is sound, not panicked.  That place of peace that will allow us to benefit from any and all opportunities that cross our paths, and give us choices.

A person strapped with debt … or with a home facing foreclosure … or with a declining or at-risk income has few choices.

Don’t let that be you!

Drop me a note down below, in the comment section, and let me know if you think you’re doing everything you can to reach “peace of mind.”

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Bio: Sharon O’Day lost everything at age 53: her home, her business, everything. But how could that be? She’s an expert in global finance and marketing with an MBA from the Wharton School. She has worked with governments, corporations, and individuals … yes, she was the secret “weapon,” if you will, behind many individuals in high places. Yet she did! Since then, with her finances completely turned around, Sharon has gone on to interview countless women.  She’s done extensive research to understand how that could have happened, especially with her strong knowledge of numbers and finance.

The surprising answers will be shared in her upcoming book “Money After Menopause.” Today her mission is to show as many women as possible how to become financially free for the long term, through her “Over Fifty and Financially Free” coaching programs. She has developed a step-by-step plan to get past all the obstacles that keep women broke and scared … and from reaching the financial peace of mind they so deserve.

Ask people what their greatest problem is and, almost always, it comes down to the same thing:  “I need more money.”  “If only I had more money…”

Whether they say, “I wish I had more sales in my business,” “I didn’t get a raise this year,” or “Food and gas prices have shot through the roof,” the message is the same:  I need more money.

Money will fix everything.  Bad relationships.  Too much stress.  Pending foreclosures.  Unaffordable health insurance.  Massive credit card debt.  Retirement worries.

And, it’s true:  if money ceased to be an issue tomorrow, many pressures would disappear.  But, short of winning the lottery, that’s not likely to happen all by itself.

Does that mean that nothing will ever change, or that you simply have to accept where you are today?

Not at all.

But it does mean that, rather than just wishing, maybe it’s time to ask yourself two telling questions:

1.    What did I do to get where I am?
2.    What am I willing to do to get out?

Notice the word “I” in both questions.  As little as that word is, it’s huge in what it says about your mindset.  It says that you take personal responsibility for your past, your present, and your future.

It means you are looking inward instead of outward for a solution to whatever is not working for you.  And, for the majority of people, that is where the seed of the problem exists.

It’s not until you invest some time in understanding how you feel about money, where your money beliefs come from, and how those beliefs affect the decisions you make that you’ll see a change on the outside.

So if you tend to solve problems by buying a book, buy one on money mindset instead of one on smart investing.  If you answer all your questions by doing Google research, key in “money mindset” instead of “getting out of debt.”  If your first reaction is to take some kind of action, find yourself a money support group instead of a new financial planner.

Get a solid understanding of how you’re behaving with money and change those behaviors that aren’t healthy for your finances.  Then you’ll find that the sales in your business start to climb … you’ll get the raise you’re looking for … and you’ll be able to afford the higher cost of food and gas.

In short, you’ll be taking control of your money … and your life.

Please leave me a comment below on what you might be willing to change …

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Bio:  Sharon O’Day lost everything at age 53: her home, her business, everything. But how could that be? She’s an expert in global finance and marketing with an MBA from the Wharton School. She has worked with governments, corporations, and individuals … yes, she was the secret “weapon,” if you will, behind many individuals in high places. But yet she did! Since then, Sharon has interviewed countless women and done extensive research to understand how that could have happened, especially with her strong knowledge of numbers and finance.

The surprising answers will be shared in her upcoming book “Money After Menopause.” Today her mission is to show as many women as possible how to become financially free for the long term, through her “Over Fifty and Financially Free” coaching programs.  She has developed a step-by-step plan to get past all the obstacles that keep women broke and scared … and from reaching the financial peace of mind they so deserve.

I know, I’m a softie.

Eighty percent of the people who signed up to be part of my new Money Mastery Makeover workshop (free version, no replays) were on the line on Thursday evening.  Whoa!

Then the requests started flowing in.  “Can I still get in?”  “I missed the first one, can I hear a replay of the first call?”  “Can you make an exception?”

So, yes, there’s still a way to get in … if you can hustle before Tuesday morning.

There are just two steps:

(1)  Email me at oday@sharonoday.com so I can send you the first night’s PDF exercise, as well as the link to the recording of Session One.

(2) Then go to www.MoneyMasteryMakeover.com before midnight on Monday, September 19, and register so you’ll get the call-in info on Tuesday morning … and from then forward.  Plus any materials.

Session Two starts Tuesday evening.

It’s still all free.  Still no replays.  And here’s the schedule for the remaining calls:

• Tuesday, Sept 20 at 9 pm ET/ 6 pm PT
• Thursday, Sept 22 at 9 pm ET/ 6 pm PT
• Tuesday, Sept 27 at 9 pm ET/ 6 pm PT

And do you need to keep it a secret?  Not really …

See you there!

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Bio:  Sharon O’Day lost everything at age 53: her home, her business, everything. But how could that be? She’s an expert in global finance and marketing with an MBA from the Wharton School. She has worked with governments, corporations, and individuals … yes, she was the secret “weapon,” if you will, behind many individuals in high places. But yet she did! Since then, Sharon has interviewed countless women and done extensive research to understand how that could have happened, especially with her strong knowledge of numbers and finance.

The surprising answers will be shared in her upcoming book “Money After Menopause.” Today her mission is to show as many women as possible how to become financially free for the long term, through her “Over Fifty and Financially Free” coaching programs.  She has developed a step-by-step plan to get past all the obstacles that keep women broke and scared … and from reaching the financial peace of mind they so deserve.

Our money behaviors are rife with emotional triggers.  So many hidden issues play out in how we handle it, how we put it at risk, how we hoard it, or how we push it away.  In short, how we don’t serve ourselves well in our relationship with money.

Workaholism is one of the twelve classic money behaviors. Of the three general categories these behaviors fall under (pushing money away, pulling it towards you, and using it to mess up relationships), workaholism falls in the second category. A workaholic woman places work above all else as a result of, or to cover, memories of painful incidents or negative emotions, often from as far back as her childhood.

But no money behavior is as insidious as workaholism.

In America, as in other countries, working hard is considered a good thing.  It’s part of the fabled American work ethic, something we’ve been told all our lives is required if we want to succeed.  Look, for example, at many of the cultural heroes on popular television shows, especially those about doctors, attorneys, and successful business men and women.

And in this era of economic difficulty, where unemployment is high, Americans are working harder than ever.  Entrepreneurs are burning the midnight oil to start their businesses up or to keep them open.  Business managers are in overdrive to avoid pink slips.  Doctors are struggling against greater regulations, astronomical insurance premiums, and lower compensation from government reimbursement plans.

Everybody is hustling.

But the line between working hard and workaholism is very thin.  In fact, workaholism is one of the most confusing negative money behaviors.  Why?  Because, more than being just socially acceptable, even working “too hard” is valued by society.  Who wouldn’t show pride over working long hours?  But when it becomes an out-of-control behavior, workaholism is far less innocuous.  It can result in failed marriages, disaffected children, and dangerously neglected health.

One of the triggers of workaholism is the belief that money has magical powers … and that it will make the workaholic and her loved ones happier.  To start, she is perceived by others as being a capable person.  Beyond that, she also appears to be a great contributor to society.  Bravo!

Interesting fact, though:  a 2010 study by Kahneman and Deaton shows that, as annual household income increases to a level of $75,000, happiness does increase along with income because more and more basic needs can be covered.

Why does that only hold true to $75,000?  One theory is that spending patterns change once all basic needs are met, somewhere in that $75,000 range.  People don’t stabilize their lifestyle costs and bask in the peace of mind that comes from having excess income.  Instead, they start pushing up the cost of where they live by changing neighborhoods and “moving up.”  They change how they dress and maybe where they buy their clothes.  They buy new toys.  They change how they eat, straying from their cautious buying patterns and filling their grocery carts with “wants” rather than needs.

What happens after that?  Here’s the slippery part:  unless they have a very healthy relationship with their money, they will increase their expenditures to match or exceed their income.  They do that to stay in the same psychological place where they feel comfortable.  If being under tremendous financial duress feels familiar to them, they will keep themselves there.  If they don’t feel they deserve the joy of financial security, they will be sure they don’t have it.  And so all that hard work and sacrifice by the workaholic will have been for naught.

Another workaholism trigger harkens back to low self worth, so often the result of negative childhood messaging.  For example, some women might believe that they have to be productive in order to be considered valuable.  It follows that the more they work, the more valuable they feel.  Taken to extremes, irrational thoughts kick in:  “I must work to have worth” becomes “I must be perfect to have worth.”   Some women even protect their weak sense of self by overcompensating with grandiose and demanding attitudes.  We’ve all known bosses, teachers, or other authority figures like that, as well as infamous movie and television characters.

Adrenaline can play a role in this unhealthy money-related behavior as well.  Some workaholics go on work binges.  They pull all-nighters in order to look like the company super-star, only to crash in exhaustion.  Where work is used to deal with emotional pain or inadequacy instilled in childhood, it becomes the only thing that can calm the demons, so one crash triggers another binge.  And so on.

Workaholism can mask relationship issues.  Women who face any intimacy issues in their relationships may feel more comfortable in the arm’s length relationships they have at work.  They may feel more in control and more connected in a work environment.  Or they may truly believe that—like drones—their role in life is to work hard and sacrifice for the good of the hive—or family.  And that belief could only come from something learned as a child, something instilled in teachings about money.

It follows that workaholism is often an inter-generational problem.  Either a parent passes down standards of unattainable perfectionism, in which case the child replicates the parent.  Or the parent doesn’t work enough, and the child develops contempt for the parent’s laziness and swings to the opposite extreme.

In either case, the price paid by the family of a workaholic is frequently the total lack of physical and emotional availability.  Ironically, in their pursuit of financial success and security, these women lose what they say is their driving force:  their family.

Whether always racing against the clock, hiding at work, arriving late to everything, or missing event after family event, being a workaholic is ultimately a very lonely place to be.

What ultimately defines workaholism is a matter of degree.  The same holds true for other unhealthy behaviors,  such as gambling or overspending, where an acceptable behavior becomes compulsive in its excess.  And, as with the others, there is an organization available to deal with the symptoms and—hopefully—the causes:  Workaholics Anonymous.

Following is a questionnaire borrowed from the Workaholics Anonymous website.  The site indicates that “If you answer ‘yes’ to three or more of these questions you may be a workaholic.  Relax.  You are not alone.  Many have found recovery through the tools of this fellowship.”

Why should you care if you’re a workaholic?  Because, as you focus more and more on financial issues and how to solve them, it’s all too easy to neglect loved ones … and yourself.  It’s too easy to cross that very thin line.  I was concerned, so I took the test.  Why don’t you do the same and let me know in the comments section below how you did?

Twenty Questions: How Do I Know If I’m A Workaholic?

1.    Do you get more excited about your work than about family or anything else?
2.    Are there times when you can charge through your work and other times when you can’t?
3.    Do you take work with you to bed? On weekends? On vacation?
4.    Is work the activity you like to do best and talk about most?
5.    Do you work more than 40 hours a week?
6.    Do you turn your hobbies into money-making ventures?
7.    Do you take complete responsibility for the outcome of your work efforts?
8.    Has your family or have your friends given up expecting you on time?
9.    Do you take on extra work because you are concerned that it won’t otherwise get done?
10.    Do you underestimate how long a project will take and then rush to complete it?
11.    Do you believe that it is okay to work long hours if you love what you are doing?
12.    Do you get impatient with people who have other priorities besides work?
13.    Are you afraid that if you don’t work hard you will lose your job or be a failure?
14.    Is the future a constant worry for you even when things are going very well?
15.    Do you do things energetically and competitively including play?
16.    Do you get irritated when people ask you to stop doing your work in order to do something else?
17.    Have your long hours hurt your family or other relationships?
18.    Do you think about your work while driving, falling asleep or when others are talking?
19.    Do you work or read during meals?
20.    Do you believe that more money will solve the other problems in your life?

(Our thanks to Workaholics Anonymous for this questionnaire.)

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Bio:  Sharon O’Day lost everything at age 53: her home, her business, everything. But how could that be? She’s an expert in global finance and marketing with an MBA from the Wharton School. She has worked with governments, corporations, and individuals … yes, she was the secret “weapon,” if you will, behind many individuals in high places. But yet she did! Since then, Sharon has interviewed countless women and done extensive research to understand how that could have happened, especially with her strong knowledge of numbers and finance.

The surprising answers will be shared in her upcoming book “Money After Menopause.” Today her mission is to show as many women as possible how to become financially free for the long term, through her “Over Fifty and Financially Free” coaching programs. She has developed a step-by-step plan to get past all the obstacles that keep women broke and scared … and from reaching the financial peace of mind they so deserve.

It’s a 1952 Chambolle-Musigny. It’s almost as old as I am.  And it’s in my wine cellar.

“So what?” you say.  What’s so important about an old bottle of French wine when you’re worried about making mortgage payments and you’re being suffocated by accumulated credit card debt?

Well, it’s about financial freedom … and the choices we make.

The more I talk to women who are struggling with their finances, the more I realize that many are fighting a false battle.  The real enemy is hidden beyond what I call the emotional and physical aspects of money.  “Emotional” includes the money gremlins in their heads that keep them anchored in unhealthy money behaviors.  “Physical” is their inability or unwillingness to look their money in the eye … otherwise known as getting honest with their money.

Once those two aspects are addressed and tamed, the logical third one is the spiritual aspect:  the vision or purpose in their lives that drives them to put out the needed energy and to focus on their goals.  It’s the same vision that motivates them to stick to the changes they’ve made in their behaviors.  In short, it’s how they define financial freedom, among other things.

But here’s the flaw:  as they’re fantasizing about where they eventually want to be and what they want their life to look like, far too few look deep enough inside—away from the opinions and expectations of others—to identify what’s truly important to them.

Very rarely is a dollar figure a strong enough motivator in the long term.  (Especially because the figure keeps growing.)  The same holds true for big toys.  The most effective motivator is a soul-deep feeling that comes from relishing in a lifestyle that reflects all your standards of integrity and your values.  What that lifestyle looks like on the outside is irrelevant; it’s how it feels on the inside.  And it’s uniquely yours.

I can’t speak for others because my gauge is different from everyone else’s.  But I can tell you that once I got beneath all the layers of Madison Avenue manipulation and well-intentioned peer pressure—and figured out what I really wanted—wild horses couldn’t keep me from achieving it.

Most of you know my story: at age 53, at the epitome of my apparent success, the economic impact of the 9/11 disaster yanked the support out from under my deck-of-cards business.  Down it fell, taking my house, my business, and my entire outer persona with it.

But in that space of total loss, the minute I understood what was really crucial to me in my gut, there was nothing I wouldn’t do to get it.  I pared back living expenses to where no one thought I’d ever go.  I restructured my life.  I lost the friends who were more interested in my street address than in my values.

No, the turnaround wasn’t immediate.  But it was laser focused.  Slowly, but steadily.  One foot in front of the other.  And, as finances turned around, most of the things I had given up never came back into my life.

What did I want?  I wanted to know that I’d be okay financially for the rest of my life (however I defined ‘okay’).  I wanted to be able to spend time with special people, even if I’d have to wedge them in between long hours of work for some time to come.  I wanted to continue working at what I loved, but more intelligently.  I wanted to travel at will to all the nooks and crannies of the world where I feel comfortable, to stay connected to a vital energy I find out there.

I did not want to fill my life with things:  not with new cars and big houses, flat-screened technological wonders and designer anythings that would be copied in China two weeks later.

But, instead, I wanted to fill it with experiences that made me feel richer.  More connected.  A concert—from blues to Bach—that fits my mood that day.  A long conversation with someone who challenges me intellectually, even if I never met her before or will ever see her again.  A chance to share all I’ve learned.  The serendipitous joy of who I meet on my travels.  An exquisite meal in the least likely place.  A precious piece of Mother Nature.  Quiet time with loved ones and close friends.  Belly laughs as I poke fun at myself in my stories. And, yes, even the explosion of taste in my mouth from an outrageous bottle of wine … when I feel like it.

Last week I opened a 1987 Pouilly-Fuissé to share with friends over a simple meal of steamed bass and vegetables.  No special occasion.  It was enough just to hear one of them utter, again and again, “somptueux,” the most sumptuous white wine he had ever tasted.  It was all about sharing the moment.

So back to my 1952 bottle.  When will I drink it?  Will I save it to drink in celebration of some massive achievement one day?  Probably not, because the achievement itself—whatever it is—is celebration enough.

Instead, one of these days I’ll wonder what wine to open for dinner.  I’ll look at the people around me and if they seem particularly aligned with my standards of integrity and values … we’ll open it and savor it.

Would you like me to call you?

xxxxxxx

Sharon O’Day is an expert in global finance and marketing with an MBA  from the Wharton School. She has worked with governments, corporations,  and individuals … yes, she was the secret ‘weapon,’ if you will, behind  many individuals in high places. At age 53, she lost everything: her  home, her business, everything. Since then, Sharon has interviewed women  and done extensive research to understand how that could have happened,  especially with her strong knowledge of numbers and finance.

The surprising answers will be shared in her upcoming book “Money  After Menopause.” Today her focus is to show women how to reach  financial security for the long term. She has developed a step-by-step  plan to get past all the obstacles that keep women broke and scared …  and from reaching the financial peace of mind they so deserve.

Some women are so darn competent, yet never seem to come out into the limelight.  They don’t push for raises or promotions and, if they get them, they find a way of sabotaging themselves.  It’s almost as if they have a comfort zone they don’t want to get out of …

That, my friends, is a true money repeller: someone who … because of some childhood perception or experience … wants to distance herself as far as she can from money.  She’ll block it from coming in.  And, if it somehow does get into her possession, she’ll get rid of it as fast as she can.  And she probably doesn’t even know why.

Repelling Money is one of the twelve classic money behaviors. Of the three general categories these behaviors fall under (pushing money away, pulling it towards you, and using it to mess up relationships), this is in the first category. Instead of passively ignoring the existence of money, as a Money Denier would, Money Repelling leads a woman to proactively push it away. This behavior permeates her entire relationship with money.

Where Does This Money Repelling Come From?

Dealing with money by pushing it away is particularly common in our society as a reaction to the great value that is placed upon it.  Money is glorified everywhere you look: on billboards, in magazines, online, and on television.  However, a conflict arises when you factor in messaging that in any way makes us feel guilty about having or wanting money.

The origins of repelling money relate mostly to the “money is bad” maxim.  In short, there is a major confusion between what money is and what money can do.

As a result of this negative judgment of money, it’s as if the subconscious has taken the equivalent of “vows of poverty,” and the grown woman will find herself putting up roadblocks to building or holding any wealth.

She may have been raised in a family that honored the idea that there is great virtue in poverty and suffering.  Imagine the guilt she will feel as an adult if she has money, even if accessed through marriage.  She’ll find herself sabotaging her good fortune by burning through money, and her husband will never understand why.

The “money is bad” idea may have been translated in her childhood home as meaning that people who have money are also bad.  Her parents may have created an “us versus them” dynamic, either as a means of saving face or because they truly believed it.  If she was told that life came too easy to those who had money, and that only those people who worked hard and struggled were good, that message would be carried into adulthood.

The conflict that would arise if she later found herself with money or, even worse, actually earned considerable money is obvious.  To have money at all is bad enough.  What if she had thoughts of making more than her parents?  This is where you hear expressions like “don’t get too big for your britches.”

A different reason for deciding that money is bad is when it brings up painful associations, such as being linked to the loss of loved ones.  If a child benefits financially from someone’s tragic death, she may feel guilty ever deriving any pleasure from that money.  It will be tainted and she will feel guilty.  She will make every effort to push it away, often watching as it flows through her fingers at record speed.

This behavior is not limited to childhood loss; family members of those who lost their lives in 9/11 were also known to suffer from it.

Women who come into instant money, such as lottery winners, athletes, or people who receive insurance or legal settlements, may find themselves outside the element they were raised in.  They do not see themselves as “someone who has money” and may carry judgments against those who do.  They will soon find themselves behaving in ways that return them to their original status.

Another big stumbling block is “deserving.”  However a child takes on the perception of being undeserving, it will affect how she deals with money throughout her life unless it is addressed.

Being wealthy can bring on money repelling behavior for another reason.  If a young girl grows up within an extremely wealthy, ostentatious family and feels shame and embarrassment over being different from her friends, she may blame money.  And if her parents leave her with nannies because they’re too busy socializing or making even more money, she’ll relate money to her feeling of isolation and blame money.

Another form of parental behavior that can lead to money repelling is dishonesty.  If a child is asked by a parent to participate in any way in behavior that is dishonest, whether lying to bill collectors knocking on the door or being part of a scam or theft, the child may develop in two ways.

Either she’ll follow in her parent’s behavior, patterning herself after them, or she’ll reject money in her life.  If she has no money, she figures, she can never be accused of having acquired it dishonestly.  Regardless of her skills or potential, she’ll find a million ways to keep money out of her life.

Telltale Signs of a Money Repeller

Look at a woman who you know is talented and capable, but always seems to be riding under the radar, and it’s likely you’re looking at a money repeller.  She may never propose herself for greater responsibilities, or will take them on without asking for compensation.

She may also be someone who keeps her fees low for the services she provides, or give too much for what she charges.  She may volunteer too freely or not follow up on moneys due her.

If she inherited or married into money, she’ll be the one spending in order to get rid of it as quickly as possible, or she’ll refuse the lifestyle she can easily afford.

Money repellers are often in the helping professions, such as social workers and teachers.  Many come from humble beginnings and see the good they can do by helping, but would feel guilty leaving that same socio-economic group.

Where Money Repelling Leads

Think of the damage that’s been done to a woman’s relationship with money, all because of a misguided belief that money is bad, and that it in some way causes pain, shame, or embarrassment.  The roadblocks created by that distortion make it virtually impossible to accrue wealth.  And any that is accrued is quickly squandered in one way or another.  The result is a life half-lived.

Note: This is the second of a series of twelve articles, identifying each of the classic money behaviors that trip women up and keep them from controlling their money … and their life. If parts of this behavior feel familiar, be sure to stay connected with me on Facebook so you’ll know as soon as my book “Money after Menopause” comes out!

Life is made up of all sorts of clutter.

Some of it looks like the piles of clothing in the closet that you’ve set aside to give to the Vietnam Veterans of America, or to another similar organization.

Some looks like the magazines you subscribe to but never read.

And some looks like what’s in that storage unit you rented ages ago.  You know, the one filled with what you cleaned out of the house last time you decluttered, but didn’t have the heart to get rid of.

But that’s not the clutter I’m talking about here.

I’m talking about the clutter (in your mind or your surroundings) that’s really holding you back from getting control of your finances and your future.  Here are a few things it wouldn’t hurt to get rid of:

1.    Your dream catcher:  “I bought that because someone told me it would attract good dreams and keep the nightmares away.”  Unless you’re part of the Ojibwa Nation, and your parents hung the protective charm over your crib as a child, get rid of that and every other supernatural trinket that keeps you thinking that life is magically going to change.  It is going to change, but only if you get serious about taking the steps that will get you to a clearly defined place you want to go.

2.    Your belief:  “I’m already in my 50s and haven’t done much of anything to save, so I’m sure it’s too late.  Why bother?”  Wrong.  No matter when you start, every dollar you set aside improves your chances of a solid roof over your head and food in the fridge in your later years.  And savings have a magnetic quality; they somehow attract more.

3.    Your house:  “My kids might need a place to live some day, so I’m holding on to this house that’s twice as large as I need.”  Okay, so it’s a lousy time to sell real estate.  But it’s also a fabulous time to buy real estate.  So if your place is sellable, and you can downsize to what you really need and want—and still have money left over to put towards your nest egg—why not?  Besides, you’re much more valuable to your kids if you’re in a secure and stable financial place.  Especially if you can afford to help them where it’s really going to make a difference in their lives.

4.    Your job:  “I’ve always worked 9-5, so there’s no way I could ever start a successful second income generator.”  Frankly, unless you’re in one of the few exceptional jobs that offer true job-security, it’s time to examine what you do well that could have value to others … and research how to get an online business going on the side.  The start-up costs are low and the potential gains are high.  But be sure you’re following someone honorable and realistic, like Sandi Krakowski at A Real Change.

5.    Your negative friends:  “I love some of my friends dearly, but …”  Nothing will hold you back more effectively than a bunch of people around you saying you should feel lucky to be doing as well as you are.  Or telling you that to wish for anything better is silly.  Most likely, they’re trying to be sure they have someone to commiserate with … and will miss you when you move on.  And move on you should!  My post about The Company You Keep explains why.

6.    Your 8th-grade report card:  “I’ve never been good at math, so I really can’t get a handle on my finances.”  Hogwash.  Since society tells us that girls aren’t good at numbers, we buy into the myth before high school and stop studying it.  But none of that counts anyway, because all we really need in order to get control of our finances we learned by the 5th or 6th grade.  So toss that useless piece of information out of your brain.

7.    Your false gurus:  “I’m saving that because it’s going to be important when I start getting my act together.”  Maybe it’s emails you get regularly and never read, or experts’ newsletters and PDFs you’re storing on your hard drive that are going to help you get your life in order … but that date back to 2007 and you’ve never read.  Pick one or two people who you believe can truly help you and who don’t flood your inbox.  Cancel all other subscriptions.  And zap all the stuff that’s sitting there, waiting to be read, and silently sucking the energy out of you instead.

8.    Your head trash:  “Every time I try to think about my future, I panic and can’t think straight.”  Sounds like a case of head chatter.  Two ways to stop that:  (1) get honest about your numbers; and (2) get a pad of paper, make an appointment with yourself for early each morning, and write madly for 15 minutes about whatever comes to mind.  Write as fast as you can, about absolutely anything:  yesterday, today, tomorrow, fears, hopes, things that anger you, favorite childhood memories.  Anything.  Pen on paper.  Sloppy, unedited, just let it flow.  No one needs to see it.  But you’ll find your mind quieting after a couple of weeks, and you’ll see things much more clearly.  (Besides, it feels so good!)

Dealing with these things won’t guarantee that your nest egg will start growing all by itself.  But it will give you a leg up on tackling your finances in 2011 by first clearing the slate.  And that’s a good thing.

(By the way, I had to deal with my own version of all of them.)

Money doesn’t just burn a hole in your pocket.  It can also burn a hole in your stomach.  How does that work?

Well, worrying about having (or not having) money is one of the major stressors all year round, but deals a double-whammy during the holidays. The increased level of advertising for all those shiny objects combines with memories of better Christmases in the past. The temptation is huge to ignore your present reality and just put everything on a credit card … and worry about it later.

But you know when you’ve done that in the past, the stress in January is even worse as you open (or don’t open and just think about) your credit card statements.

How does stress affect your body? It represents the ultimate mind-body connection. Any kind of stress starts as a reaction to perceived danger … and what greater danger is there than not having enough money to protect, nourish, and care for yourself and/or your loved ones? So the brain throws you into the automatic “fight or flight” mode that our cave woman ancestors needed in order to survive.

Out gush the cortisone and adrenaline to your rescue, on strict instructions from your brain. When these two course through your body, they instruct your heart rate and your blood pressure to rise in order to meet the impending danger. You’re now ready to either flee the danger … or stand to fight it. But how do you flee or fight financial stress? Instead, the body takes a blow wherever it is weakest … including the stomach lining where ongoing stress can lead to ulcers. Or it attacks someplace else. You’ve heard the expression “worry yourself sick,” haven’t you?

But what if you could avoid this entire scenario? Despite the temptations of holiday spending, you can take actions that will keep your financial situation from getting worse … and lessen the grip that stress has on your everyday life … without sacrificing what’s most dear about the holidays.

1. Put Together a Spending Plan That You Can Stick To

In earlier posts, I’ve talked about figuring out where your inflow and outflow of money are in balance. Look back and see if you have any surplus cash each month, or look to see what else you can cut this month to free up some cash for the holidays.

Once you’ve identified that, make that your holiday spending plan and stick to it. Unlike the U.S. Government, you can’t print money. So you really do have to cover each extra expenditure with a cut-back somewhere else.

If you find it impossible not to pull out that credit card when you go shopping, leave all your cards at home and take just cash … in the amount you’ve set aside for discretionary holiday spending. When it’s gone, it’s gone. The tough part is having the discipline at that point to go home. These are the moments that separate “the women from the girls” …

2. Get Help from Friends and Family

I’m not talking about asking for loans. I’m talking about asking for support.

Talking helps. But if you’re uncomfortable talking to anyone who knows you, consider joining a support group. Some specialize in issues, like shopping addictions, while others deal more generally in financial distress. Whoever it is, just talking to people who have been in a similar predicament and have gotten out will lessen the burden as you get out of your own.

Where I think your friends and family could make the greatest difference is if they agreed among themselves and with you to redefine what makes up the year-end holidays: it’s not about the gifts and it’s not about how much someone spends on lavish entertaining. But it is about showing others you care … spending time together … sharing old memories and making new ones.

Invent a new way to celebrate. Make it reflect who you and your loved ones truly are. Maybe you get up early on Christmas Day and drive to a vantage point where you can see a sunrise. Pack up a thermos of hot chocolate for each person if need be. Or be of service: volunteer to help serve a holiday meal at a shelter. And, who knows, it may become a new family tradition. Whatever you do, break the old patterns where a massive pile of unneeded (and often unwanted) gifts are piled up under the tree.

3. Banish Your Credit Cards

If nothing stops you from pulling out a credit card when your “want” buttons are pushed, cut up your cards (but don’t cancel them). If that seems extreme, give them to a friend or family member who doesn’t live with you. Ask them to hold the cards until after January 1st … and make them promise to ignore all your pleadings.

I know, I know, you probably have the number memorized and can shop online without the card itself. But we have to want to get out from under the financial stress, and that requires some grown-up behavior!

Just knowing you’re sticking to your spending plan will lower your stress. Maybe the feeling is good enough to continue that behavior after the holidays. Hopefully it will trigger starting to pay down your debt as fast as you can, not paying off just the monthly minimums. You already know that having that massive load of accumulated credit card debt weighs heavily on your mind … and on your body each time you think about it.

But do think about how good you’ll feel if you get through the holidays without adding to it.

4. Change How You Look at Money

Positive thinking won’t lower the dollar value on the bills you have to pay. But it will lower the stress around the fact that you have to pay them, just by breaking the worry-stress-worry-stress cycle. And the less stress you’re carrying, the more creative you can be about finding solutions that will change your reality to something better.

What forms of positive thinking? Laugh. Look around you and count your blessings. Marvel at how that poinsettia by your front door knew how to grow as it did. Feel the warmth coming out of your radiator. Think about your cat’s purr or your dog’s cold nose when he comes in each morning to wake you.

Recognize that money isn’t everything in your life by appreciating what you do have, instead of focusing solely on what you don’t. Remember that we live in a blessed country where people who are struggling are far better off than those who aren’t struggling in others. And where many of us are waking up to the fact that we want to get out from under all our “stuff.”

[I know I sound like Pollyanna. But changing your mindset works!]

If you’re a constant worrier, you can’t just flip a switch and—voilà!—your worries are gone. But if your worries center on things you cannot control (as in “what if the economy gets even worse and I’m laid off”), just separate ‘what you can’ from ‘what you cannot’ control. Let go of what you cannot change and you’ll release tons of frustration. Instead, focus on those things you can.

5. Recognize the Difference Between a Need and a Want

When we were kids, we wanted new Keds for Christmas. Today we want Jimmy Choos. We wanted the new Dale Evans doll in her Jeep. Today we want a Lexus in the driveway.

Our wants have grown exponentially and the lines between wants and needs have blurred. As a society, we have drifted so far from our real needs, mostly by using money we didn’t have in order to get there. (And then the entire country’s economy hit a brick wall.)

When it comes to the holidays, it’s obviously harder to cut back when you have children around, but it doesn’t hurt for them to learn a lesson or two about money. (It sure would have helped if we had learned some at their age…)

Take a moment before going shopping for any gifts you’ve budgeted for on your holiday spending plan. You have the choice of filling a momentary “want” for that recipient, or you could fulfill a more long-lasting “need.” After the wrapping paper is torn off and thrown away, which do you think will leave a more lasting memory of being loved and cared for?

As the holidays approach and carols fill the airwaves, we all have a knee-jerk reaction to make this a magical time. But that magic comes with a high price tag. By planning in advance and being creative, I challenge you to find innovative ways to create that same magic … but in ways that don’t leave you more stressed when the mailman delivers those credit card bills in January.

Let me know what ideas you’ve come up with to create that magic, and post them on my Facebook wall so we can all benefit!