Rather listen than read? Click below:

What You REALLY Want

Last week I wrote about the nine steps it takes to “Play Big.”  The first one, which actually relates to virtually every one of us, was “Take your head out of the sand.”

I’m going to assume that you did.

So, now that you’ve taken your head out of the sand, are you ready to draw a line in the sand?

Follow along with me.

Most people today don’t know what they really want.  They think they do.  They can make a list of things they’d buy if they could.  They know what they’d do with a million bucks if they won the lottery.  They know the house they’d buy if they got lucky and their businesses shot off the charts.

But is that what they really want?  Or is it what they think they want?  You see …

A recent Texas A&M study says a person is bombarded by 850 commercial messages a day, on average.”

So, much of what fills people’s wish lists is driven by “externals,” by what they see and hear about.  From TV, ads on smart phones, websites, billboards, from what friends have or talk about.  I know, I know.  It sounds so superficial…

Why?  Because it is.

By keeping people’s wish lists long, advertisers know they can keep them in a perpetual state of discontent.  They never have enough.  There’s always a newer iPad, a thinner mobile device, a sleeker car, hotter jeans.  Better … faster … cooler … more awesome.

Are you thinking “hamster on a wheel” yet?

Want to know how to get off?

Stop.

Sit quietly with a pad of paper and list everything you think you want.  Do a brain dump.  List absolutely everything you can think of.  Be sure to also take the time to go inside and look at what’s most important to you.  What will bring you joy not just in the short term, but also feed into later joy?  What touches your core, your values?  Don’t write down what you think you should want.  This is your secret list.

Once you’re done, start picking out any two things on the list.  Decide which of the two is more important to you and cross off the other one.

Do that until you have just three things left on your list.

These three are the things that will bring you the greatest happiness when you achieve them.  It doesn’t matter what they are; everyone’s three will be different.  But they are what will truly drive you to achieve.  And everything else on the list (all those things you crossed off) should be things you would gladly sacrifice in order to obtain or achieve your special three.

Now it’s time to draw the proverbial line in the sand.

For each of the three, set a deadline of when you could reasonably fulfill them, whatever they are.  Stretch yourself a bit.  Write the three things, plus their deadlines, on a clean piece of paper and save it somewhere.  And make a commitment to yourself that, come hell or high water, you are going to meet those deadlines.

Then get ready for the obstacles.  Expect things to go wrong.  If you fall down, get back up, brush off your shins and keep going.

Nothing really important comes easy.

By the way, no one needs to know what’s on your short list.

But as you obtain or achieve them, one by one, you will understand what real fulfillment is.  You’ll understand priorities.  You’ll know what focus is.

And you’ll be infinitely happier than the people still chasing every shiny object thrown in their path.

Then you can either pity them, or share this little exercise with them.

I think I know which one you’ll do.

(Let me know below …)

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Bio: Sharon O’Day lost everything at age 53: her home, her business, everything. But how could that be? She’s an expert in global finance and marketing with an MBA from the Wharton School. She has worked with governments, corporations, and individuals … yes, she was the secret “weapon,” if you will, behind many individuals in high places. Yet she did! Since then, with her finances completely turned around, Sharon has gone on to interview countless women. She’s done extensive research to understand how that could have happened, especially with her strong knowledge of numbers and finance.

The surprising answers will be shared in her upcoming book “Money After Menopause.” Today her mission is to show as many women as possible how to become financially free for the long term, through her “Over Fifty and Financially Free” coaching programs. She has developed a step-by-step plan to get past all the obstacles that keep women broke and scared … and from reaching the financial peace of mind they so deserve … if they’re willing to do what it takes!

Rather listen than read?  Click the link below:

How to Truly Play Big

I always disliked the expression “put on your big girl panties” and I’m not quite sure why.  Maybe because it just felt a little demeaning.

But, the more I look at our economy, the more I realize that the government is not going to provide the solution.  So we each have to take personal responsibility for triggering its jump-start.  And what that phrase says, when we don’t have our big girl panties on, is that we’re still acting from a place of dependence.  Of little girl excuse-making.

If you’re a regular reader of mine, you know my stand on personal responsibility.  Well, here’s another take on it.

A few nights ago, I heard an interview with a guy from Goldman Sachs.  I normally think of them as the bad guys, for the role they played in helping topple the economy in 2008. But this guy in particular was worth listening to.  Jim O’Neill is the CEO of Asset Management for them.  He and Charlie Rose were discussing where the world economy – as well as ours – is going.

In talking about Europe, O’Neill mentioned that one of the biggest problems Italy has is that only 40% of its women are involved in economic activity and that the brain power, the IQ power of women in that country is being wasted.

It made me stop and think of the role of women in the world economy … and in ours.  It made me realize that if any of us is playing small, then we’re not putting out our full woman brain power … woman IQ … woman ability … woman power in general.

If ever there was a time, this is a time when we do need to play big.  We have the ability to make a difference in our economy.  The sum of the parts – the efforts of millions of women – can get this economy going.  Bit by bit.  Day by day.  But we have to get past our own head stuff.

Anything we have that’s holding us back ultimately holds everything back.  I’m not saying that we’re the cause of the problem … but I’m saying we can be the solution to the problem.

So I’m going to look in more detail at the same nine steps I wrote about in last week’s article entitled “Time to Stop Playing Small” and how those steps can help you “Play Big.”  I hope you’re in this with me, because I think we can be the real hope and change.

1.    Get your head out of the sand:  Accept that you are an intrinsic part of the economy, even if just one cog in the wheel.  (Each cog counts!)  If nothing has changed in what you’ve been doing for the last three or four years, it’s time to look at it now.

2.    Get real about your life and your money:  Most people are living in some fantasy world and have not looked honestly at what’s important and what’s not in their lives.  If that’s your case, you’re basically running on automatic.  Same goes for your money.  If you don’t know exactly how much you make and how much you spend, you’re not being honest.

3.    Stop procrastinating or lying to yourself:  We’re talking about today.  Not tomorrow.  If you’ve had plans you haven’t implemented, or if you’ve talked for ages about something you wanted to change and haven’t yet, now’s the time to change it.  Look at what you’re doing with your time and energy.  If you’re not playing full on, you’re either dragging your heels or not being truthful.  It’s time to stop that.

4.    Ignore what anyone says you can or can’t do:  No one knows you as well as you do.  (Any outside opinion is just that: an opinion.)  And only you know how badly you want to do something.  If it’s important to you, ignore everyone.  Dream as big as you want … and then move to make the dream a reality.

5.    Figure out where you want to be:  It’s about the “vision thing.”  Get very specific and very visual about what you want an hour, a day, a week and a month to look like in your ideal life.  Live it in your mind’s eye.  Feel how it feels.  Let the emotion be a driver for you.

6.    Put together a step-by-step plan to get there:  Get clear on what the gap looks like between where you are and where you want to be.  Then chunk that journey down into do-able pieces.  And write them down so you always know what to do next.

7.    Get help if you need it:  If you’re tripping over how you handle money, find an adviser or a program that can remove any fears or obstacles.  If it’s a skill you’re missing, find an adult education class.  Tap into all your friends and acquaintances by asking for advice if you think they know what you want to know.  Help is available and does not have to cost a fortune.

8.    Take the first steps:  Don’t focus on the entire journey.  It may overwhelm you.  If the first steps look easy but the steps later on scare you, just focus on the early ones.  By the time you get to the later ones, they most likely won’t scare you any more.

9.    And keep going:  Find someone to share your plan with.  Ask that person to be an accountability buddy for you.  But be sure that person believes in your dream, wants you to succeed and won’t be threatened by any change you want in your life.  And be sure to make them part of the celebration as you complete each step.

Now congratulate yourself.

You’re about to start playing big!

Drop me a note below and let me know what you’re already doing to be sure you’re in your big girl panties …

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Bio: Sharon O’Day lost everything at age 53: her home, her business, everything. But how could that be? She’s an expert in global finance and marketing with an MBA from the Wharton School. She has worked with governments, corporations, and individuals … yes, she was the secret “weapon,” if you will, behind many individuals in high places. Yet she did! Since then, with her finances completely turned around, Sharon has gone on to interview countless women. She’s done extensive research to understand how that could have happened, especially with her strong knowledge of numbers and finance.

The surprising answers will be shared in her upcoming book “Money After Menopause.” Today her mission is to show as many women as possible how to become financially free for the long term, through her “Over Fifty and Financially Free” coaching programs. She has developed a step-by-step plan to get past all the obstacles that keep women broke and scared … and from reaching the financial peace of mind they so deserve … if they’re willing to do what it takes!

Click below if you’d rather listen

Stop Playing Small

This will be short and sweet.  Because it’s a topic that makes me so angry, I think I should limit myself to as few words as possible.

But I have to say something.

Last week I posted an article on Facebook that I had read in Forbes Online entitled “Why Do Women Round Down When Men Round Up?” by Forbes staffer Jenna Goudreau.  Her premise was that, whereas men stretch numbers (and everything else in life) upward, we women shrink everything down.  Including our qualities and capabilities.

This was based on a piece out of Harvard Business Review insinuating that women in all professional settings are held back by this tendency to minimize our talents, skills and experience. The conclusion was that we focus on the glass half empty, rather than the glass half full.  We are afraid … to make mistakes, look dumb or fall short of being perfect.

Valerie Young, Ed.D, author of The Secret Thoughts of Successful Women, concludes that “Being female means you and your work automatically stand a greater chance of being ignored, discounted, trivialized, devalued or otherwise taken less seriously than a man’s.”

I say that, by the time you’re in your 40s or 50s, hopefully you’re long past what to me sounds like self-victimization.  “Woe is me.  I wasn’t good at math.  I have no control over my own destiny.  I have to accept the crumbs that are left to me.”

You do have choices in life.  You can either buy into what’s being perpetuated in the media or you can decide that it doesn’t pertain to you.

And here’s why it’s particularly important to straighten out your attitude soon.  (If not yesterday.)

Unless you’re already financially secure for life, it’s time to stop playing small.  Time to “get real.”  No one is going to come save you.  It’s up to you to figure out what you need to live today and what you’ll need in the future.  It’s time to get real about what you have and what you don’t.  What’s important to you and what’s not.  (Protect what’s important and shed the rest.)

Nothing in the U.S. or the world economy indicates that we’re on a path to great economic improvement or growth.  Nor will we be seeing “pre-2007” conditions again for the foreseeable future.

This does not mean there are no opportunities out there.  They just don’t look like they used to, and you’ll have to be more creative to unearth them.  But they’re there.

So, especially if you don’t have a decade or two to waste before starting to get serious about your future finances, my recommendations are the following for anyone not already set for life:

1.    Get your head out of the sand.
2.    Get real about your life and your money.
3.    Stop procrastinating or lying to yourself.
4.    Ignore what anyone says you can or can’t do.
5.    Figure out where you want to be.
6.    Put together a step-by-step plan to get there.
7.    Get help if you need it.
8.    Take the first steps.
9.    And keep going.

Let me know in the comment section below what, if anything, is keeping you from taking these steps to the financial freedom you so deserve.

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Bio: Sharon O’Day lost everything at age 53: her home, her business, everything. But how could that be? She’s an expert in global finance and marketing with an MBA from the Wharton School. She has worked with governments, corporations, and individuals … yes, she was the secret “weapon,” if you will, behind many individuals in high places. Yet she did! Since then, with her finances completely turned around, Sharon has gone on to interview countless women. She’s done extensive research to understand how that could have happened, especially with her strong knowledge of numbers and finance.

The surprising answers will be shared in her upcoming book “Money After Menopause.” Today her mission is to show as many women as possible how to become financially free for the long term, through her “Over Fifty and Financially Free” coaching programs. She has developed a step-by-step plan to get past all the obstacles that keep women broke and scared … and from reaching the financial peace of mind they so deserve.

Rather listen than read?  Click here:

Personal Responsibility

I thought the rules about finances didn’t pertain to me.  They were for “other people.”

I knew all about numbers.  I had been raised in a family where we were involved in my Dad’s businesses from early on.  At 13, I worked at his iron ore mine in the interior of Brazil.  I monitored and recorded how much ore was loaded in each railroad car before it left on its journey from Mariana, Minas Gerais, to the port and on to some foreign steel mill.

By then our family had already gone from “extremely comfortable” because of my father’s business successes … to dead broke because he took his eye off the ball and his local partner cleaned him out.  I already knew about scrubbing the bottles I gathered at a construction site in Alexandria, Virginia, in order to collect the 2-cent deposit.  (You see, the grocery store next door to the Rexall on the corner only accepted clean bottles.)  That was my allowance.  And I knew about my $5 Christmas money from my grandmother going towards paying for the fridge.

So I knew numbers.

Twenty years into my own career, with an MBA from the Wharton School of Finance under my belt, I found myself dead broke too.

Somehow, despite everything I knew about finance, I didn’t think I needed to follow the same rules I set out for my consulting clients.

I’ve talked elsewhere about how I lost everything.  And about how that triggered deep introspection and research to understand what had gone wrong.  (And how to “right” it.  Which I did.)

Today, after working with so many women whose upbringing and lack of financial education have kept them vulnerable, I’m very clear about a growing challenge facing our nation.  It’s something that has woven its way throughout my writings more and more this past year.  It’s something that has to be in place in order to successfully change one’s financial situation.

And that “something” is personal responsibility.

Time after time, I’d see that personal responsibility is the one differentiating factor between those women who succeed in turning their finances around and those who don’t.  Those who succeed do not consider themselves victims.  They do not assume they are “entitled” to things.  And they don’t make excuses for themselves.  Instead, they look honestly at their behaviors, determine those that are detrimental, “own” them, work to change them bit by bit, use every tool that’s handed them … and go on to thrive.

As we enter 2012, I realize that it’s no different for our country.

I see a country that is deep in debt, not “earning” enough (in tax revenues) and spending too much.  Not saving.  Not investing wisely.  I see a government that blames the situation on everything but itself, as if it were a victim.  I see a government that promotes entitlement, thereby diluting the personal responsibility of its players and its citizens even more.  I see a government that refuses to accept any blame and thrives on excuses.  And I see a government that is not going to play any role in the foreseeable future to change much of anything, regardless of what party plays what role.

So what are our options as individuals?

The mantle of personal responsibility has to settle on us.  We’ll have to get ourselves out of our own messes.  If the best aspects of “exceptionalism” that this country is known for are going to survive, and even thrive, it will be because as a people we choose to thrive.

By taking responsibility for our own debt, our own spending and our own investing for the future – by not counting on some government program to jumpstart the economy or supplement our income – we’ll take care of ourselves.  And, in the aggregate, we’ll move our country forward.

You’ve probably heard a phrase made famous by John F. Kennedy: “a rising tide lifts all boats.”  Well, surprise, surprise, looks like it’s up to us to provide the water.

So … here’s to thriving in 2012 … because of who we are.

Let me know in the comments below if you agree …

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Bio: Sharon O’Day lost everything at age 53: her home, her business, everything. But how could that be? She’s an expert in global finance and marketing with an MBA from the Wharton School. She has worked with governments, corporations, and individuals … yes, she was the secret “weapon,” if you will, behind many individuals in high places. Yet she did! Since then, with her finances completely turned around, Sharon has gone on to interview countless women. She’s done extensive research to understand how that could have happened, especially with her strong knowledge of numbers and finance.

The surprising answers will be shared in her upcoming book “Money After Menopause.” Today her mission is to show as many women as possible how to become financially free for the long term, through her “Over Fifty and Financially Free” coaching programs. She has developed a step-by-step plan to get past all the obstacles that keep women broke and scared … and from reaching the financial peace of mind they so deserve.

If you’d rather listen, click here:

Savings Accounts Secret Weapon

Three separate clients of mine were almost giddy this week as they talked about their savings accounts.

What they didn’t know was that having them open a savings account is one of my two little secrets to shifting how they look at money … and themselves.

Truth is, not that long ago they were each facing different combinations of paralyzing debt, inability to focus on work, major procrastination, out-of-kilter income and outflow, denial, uncontrolled spending and other destructive money behaviors.

Opening a savings account?

Sounds petty, I know, but it’s not.  And it doesn’t even matter how much or how little is in the account.  There is something magical about putting some funds aside in your name.  Maybe it’s a sign that you’re taking care of yourself.  Maybe it answers a deep question about deserving.  Whatever it is, it’s the cause of a major shift in virtually everybody’s behavior and attitude towards money.

And once the account is open, what typically happens is that spending plans are revisited to see if there isn’t more cash that can be squeezed out to add to the savings.  In fact, online accounts are best because they make it easy to make transfers in.  (And, not to worry, you’ll be surprised at how resistant you are to transferring it back out.)

The holidays are almost here, and the last thing you’re thinking of is opening a savings account.  However, year-end resolutions might be percolating in the back of your mind.  And we know how long those last.

So I propose something different for this year:  instead of making New Year’s resolutions about losing a few pounds or getting up an hour early so you’re not late to everything, make yourself a gift instead.

Scrounge up whatever money you can find, even if it’s just loose change around the house, and open an account in your name.  Better yet, if someone happens to say, “Hey, what would you like for Christmas this year?” … say, “I’d love money instead of a gift.  I’m opening a savings account so I can start having peace of mind this coming year.  And I’d love for you to have a hand in it.”

Because you do deserve that peace of mind.  And this little secret is the most powerful thing you can do to take the first step in that direction.

So here’s to your peace of mind, Savings Buddy!

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Bio: Sharon O’Day lost everything at age 53: her home, her business, everything. But how could that be? She’s an expert in global finance and marketing with an MBA from the Wharton School. She has worked with governments, corporations, and individuals … yes, she was the secret “weapon,” if you will, behind many individuals in high places. Yet she did! Since then, with her finances completely turned around, Sharon has gone on to interview countless women. She’s done extensive research to understand how that could have happened, especially with her strong knowledge of numbers and finance.

The surprising answers will be shared in her upcoming book “Money After Menopause.” Today her mission is to show as many women as possible how to become financially free for the long term, through her “Over Fifty and Financially Free” coaching programs. She has developed a step-by-step plan to get past all the obstacles that keep women broke and scared … and from reaching the financial peace of mind they so deserve.

Would you rather just listen?  Click here:

Audio: Talking About Debt

Dateline:  Miami, FL, 2001

“I have good credit.  I can just put it on my cards …” I said.

That’s how I justified the poor behavior of my six foreign business partners.  They refused to help make up for their government’s decision to hold back the funding it promised our venture.

Somehow I thought it was okay for me to shoulder my part … and theirs … although I was a minority partner.

And then an event occurred that was outside my control – and which I could never have foreseen.  By the way, things like that do occur, no matter how well you plan.  It’s called “Life.”

In my case it was 9/11.  The economy stagnated as the world (and American business in particular) sat waiting for the other shoe to drop.  Meanwhile, two of our major clients went bankrupt, ensuring that we wouldn’t ever get paid the second half of the huge year-end orders they had placed.

It was all over.  All my cards, business and personal, were maxed out.  The business credit line was tapped.  No reserves for a hole that large in the budget.  No savings.  No Plan B.

So I know all about the dark days of debt, seeing the steady stream of bills flowing in and knowing that there’s not that much in all the checking accounts combined.

x-x-x-x-x

I tell you this tale of woe because it’s representative of what often happens when you carry debt … regardless what the details are of your specific story.

However, with changing times, how we look at debt is no longer how we were raised to look at it.  And that change has caught many people off guard.

We were told all along that there was “good debt” and “bad debt.”  Good debt was seen as an investment:  say in a house that would increase in value over time; maybe in an expensive education that would increase one’s lifetime earning capacity.

And “bad debt” was seen as anything incurred for things that devalued with time, such as consumer products, meals, and so forth.  This form of debt was (and still is) best represented by what’s carried on our credit cards.

What’s changed today?  Well, in keeping with the phrase “the good, the bad and the ugly,” almost all debt today qualifies as ugly.  (At least for those of us too unconnected to have access to the inner sanctums of Wall Street firms, mega-billionaire and market manipulator George Soros and others with insider knowledge.)

So what happened to “good debt?”  Well, the housing market is giving ample witness to the fact that it is no longer a safe and ever-increasing store of value.  Just ask the millions whose mortgages are upside down just in the U.S. – that is, they owe more than the house is worth.

Or ask the unemployed 21-year-olds holding a sheepskin diploma – whether from mid-tier schools or diploma mills – what they think their costly educations are worth now.  Granted, unemployment for those holding college degrees is lower than for most others, but a degree is no longer the guarantee of employment it once was.

Pretty ugly.

And what about “bad debt?”  Americans are taking on more and more, with a national average interest rate of 14.99% while the cost of money is down under 1%.  The huge spread results from a combination of high default rates and getting away with whatever the market can bear.

Still ugly.

And what else has shifted?  Frankly, all the foundational economic rules.  When trying to forecast how the economy will react to a particular event, there used to be logical rules.  But now, it’s hard to advise someone how fast to pay down their outstanding debt, for example.  Do they pay down cards or hold on to cash?  Since the  economic tsunami in 2008, all the government intervention in the markets – bailing out banks and corporations, printing money madly and cutting behind-closed-doors deals – means that A plus B does not equal C any more.

How long will it take for the economy to turn around?  We don’t know.  Will all the money printing result in hyperinflation?  We don’t know.  Will government continue covering all the “safety net” entitlements?  We don’t know.

So what to do?

Find where your outflow of money equals your inflow of money.  If need be, pay down debt to that point.  Or increase your income.  That balance is where you’ll find your personal point of peace of mind.

If you haven’t started scrambling yet, and you’re carrying debt, it’s time to scramble.  (And, radical as it sounds, target having a No-New-Debt holiday season.)

With the level of uncertainty the economy is demonstrating, it’s time to be financially conservative.  Do what you can to build up resources that will carry you through unexpected events.  Do extra odd jobs to bring in more money if needed to drive down debt or to set money aside.

Am I a total pessimist?  No, I’m not.  I’m not predicting a dire future because I trust that someone somewhere somehow will put on the brakes before we reach pandemonium.

But I do think we should prepare so we’re functioning from a place of peace of mind, where our judgment is sound, not panicked.  That place of peace that will allow us to benefit from any and all opportunities that cross our paths, and give us choices.

A person strapped with debt … or with a home facing foreclosure … or with a declining or at-risk income has few choices.

Don’t let that be you!

Drop me a note down below, in the comment section, and let me know if you think you’re doing everything you can to reach “peace of mind.”

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Bio: Sharon O’Day lost everything at age 53: her home, her business, everything. But how could that be? She’s an expert in global finance and marketing with an MBA from the Wharton School. She has worked with governments, corporations, and individuals … yes, she was the secret “weapon,” if you will, behind many individuals in high places. Yet she did! Since then, with her finances completely turned around, Sharon has gone on to interview countless women.  She’s done extensive research to understand how that could have happened, especially with her strong knowledge of numbers and finance.

The surprising answers will be shared in her upcoming book “Money After Menopause.” Today her mission is to show as many women as possible how to become financially free for the long term, through her “Over Fifty and Financially Free” coaching programs. She has developed a step-by-step plan to get past all the obstacles that keep women broke and scared … and from reaching the financial peace of mind they so deserve.

Click if you’d rather listen:

Overspending

Hmmmm, overspending.  If there was ever any doubt, one thing the economic meltdown in 2008 made obvious was that Americans were clearly spending more than they earned.  Consumer debt had never been higher.  What’s worse, most everyone felt a sense of entitlement, whether they could afford to buy or not.  This excessive materialism had become the American Way.

After all, everyone overspends a bit, don’t they?  Little treats?  Little sins?

When spending is pushed to where it starts having a negative impact on personal finances, the purchasing pattern is considered “overspending.”  At that point, the act seeks to fulfill a painful void, a need for comfort, affection, and connection.

These kinds of money behaviors may feel automatic, almost subconscious.  (That’s because the behaviors are automatic, at least until the big spenders figure out—by themselves or with help—what the triggers and explanations are .)

The causes range from a multitude of situations:  having suffered deprivation as a child, being teased by schoolmates for dressing differently, in fact, any feeling of material inferiority.  (And our consumer-oriented society can be relentless.)

The result is often a desire to impress others with what they own or are able to obtain in the form of services.  Low self-worth or self-esteem gets masked by material excess.

Overspending can actually begin one generation earlier.  Here parents justify overspending on their children and end up distorting their kids’ sense of worth: of money and of things.  The parents’ excuse is that they never want their children to go through feeling the way they did when they were young: ostracized or teased.

Memories of inconsistent family patterns—where parents swung like a pendulum, from ignoring money one day to obsessing over it the next—can lead to overspending too, in the absence of clear, consistent role models.

Or maybe the myth of fairy godmothers waving magic wands and manifesting money lasted into adulthood, so “it’s only money” translates into the belief that there’s an endless supply.  In this case, the idea of self-control seems pointless.

Whatever the cause, overspenders often create little rituals around the act of spending.  The shopping experience may be used to feel connected to a community made up of store clerks, managers, and others who are more than happy to cater to them … as long as they’re spending money.  In their minds, that catering is interpreted as a feeling of importance and love.

Lots of overspenders are confused about the role that money plays and how they relate to it.  They may have adopted the maxim that more money will make them happy, yet they find themselves deep in debt and unable to buy things as a result of their out-of-control spending.  And, with each cycle, the level of anxiety increases.

Some women’s concept of money is subjective, since money is spent in order to meet emotional needs instead of simply to acquire goods and services.  As a result, their moods are what determine whether they feel their available funds are insufficient or limitless.  How much they can afford to spend becomes hard to define.  Money looks more like Monopoly currency, so they spend it that way.

When Things Get Serious

Say certain women have an irresistible urge to spend.  Once they start, they lose control.  Having lost control—again!—triggers guilt and anxiety.  What can soothe those terribly uncomfortable feelings?  More spending.  (Imagine what online shopping has done to overspenders, by turning shopping into a 24/7 activity.)  And so it goes until they reach serious levels known as compulsive buying disorder.

Women with this disorder are consumed by money worries.  They use the act of shopping itself as a temporary escape from depression, acute emptiness, or earlier traumas.  The shopping urges they feel are irresistible as they look forward to the dopamine rush that floods their brains as that credit card gets swiped by yet another store clerk.  Soon, remorse sets in and their feelings of low self-esteem take over.  And back they go to patch over those feelings with yet another purchase.  The results are often overwhelming debt, bankruptcy, and/or loss of a spouse.

Compulsive buying is as common as clinical depression in the U.S., affecting 5 percent of the population.  And of those, sadly, 75 percent are women.

As in the case of other addictive and compulsive disorders, women dealing with compulsive buying disorders should seek professional assistance or 12-step groups such as Debtors Anonymous.

And for those of you who simply spend a bit more than you earn, take a look at what you’re doing with your money.  If it feels at all out of kilter, stop, and think back to where that behavior might be coming from.  Look honestly at how money was handled in your home, how you felt in the early years and which, if any, of the explanations above resonated with you.

Remember:  just because you have a money behavior that resulted from how you were raised, that doesn’t mean you can’t reverse it.  And the feeling of control and pride that comes with monetary self control is a beautiful thing.  Let me help you reach it!

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Bio: Sharon O’Day lost everything at age 53: her home, her business, everything. But how could that be? She’s an expert in global finance and marketing with an MBA from the Wharton School. She has worked with governments, corporations, and individuals … yes, she was the secret “weapon,” if you will, behind many individuals in high places. Yet she did! Since then, Sharon has interviewed countless women and done extensive research to understand how that could have happened, especially with her strong knowledge of numbers and finance.

The surprising answers will be shared in her upcoming book “Money After Menopause.” Today her mission is to show as many women as possible how to become financially free for the long term, through her “Over Fifty and Financially Free” coaching programs. She has developed a step-by-step plan to get past all the obstacles that keep women broke and scared … and from reaching the financial peace of mind they so deserve.

Would you rather listen?  If so, click here:

Letting Go of Prince Charming

“Read it to me one more time, Mommy.”

And off we go again, hearing how the damsel in distress was swept off her feet by her charming prince … and lived happily ever after.

Unfortunately, that’s probably one of the most insidious things our mothers could have put in our heads. Yet, virtually all of them did.

In many cases, those long-ago, childhood memories were left in that less-visited portion of our brains: the subconscious instead of the conscious part.

As we grew up, Prince Charming stayed in hibernation as we went through school, watched our own persona develop, and started believing we could indeed do whatever we wanted. (He may actually have been more present in your mother’s conscious brain than in yours, as she envisioned your future for you.)

But if you’re in your fifties or older, you were reaching maturity in an age when Elizabeth Cady Stanton, Betty Friedan and Gloria Steinem had already done the heavy lifting. Women’s Lib had already opened some doors, even if it hadn’t established any rules or realistic expectations. All we knew was that we had no excuses: we were expected to do our part and be as effective in the boardroom as we were in the bedroom … and in the kitchen.

Then came love. Suddenly, everything we had achieved, often at great personal cost and frustration, was put on a second plane. After all, he asked us to marry! Marriage! We were going to be able to dress like princesses with flowing white veils. Our groom would look absolutely handsome, in fact, princely. This would be a special day, a bit of a fairy tale …

Hmmmm. A fairy tale.

The fairy tale was so powerful, tugging at memories of cuddly sessions in bed as our mothers read aloud about regular little girls who were saved by a prince and lived happily ever after.

Why would we ever ask any questions? Such as: What were his financial dreams? How did he look at money? How did he spend it? How did he expect the two would share the financial role within the couple? In short, what kind of financial match was he? Why ask and maybe rock the boat? After all, we were going to live happily ever after.

Once married, we tucked away the fairy tale memories for safe-keeping.

Soon demands on our time and our energy escalated: one child after the other was born. Colic, diapers, boo-boos, after-school schedules, soccer practice and teenage acne added to the weight of our days.

And falling into our beds, exhausted, added to the reality of our nights.

However, our mission was clear. We were supposed to be Superwoman. Somehow we were to master it all.  Or at least fake it.

Whether our careers were put on temporary hold, or we juggled them along with our household duties, we recognized that, deep down, we had become pretty amazing beings. We pulled our weight sufficiently to believe that we could probably take care of ourselves financially. If push came to shove and something dire happened, we probably had the wherewithal to deal with whatever hand was dealt us.

Fast forward to our 50s, today. That “fairy tale” story has had one of several endings. If lucky, the bride and groom continued side-by-side, sharing responsibilities, each taking his or her traditional role; the kids grew up and married and today everything is hunky-dory.

But other potential endings exist as well: widowhood … divorce … job loss by our mates.

That’s when the real test kicks in about how well we learned the lessons of financial adeptness and comfort. About how far we developed our concept of self-responsibility. Whether enough of our self-identity has survived the years. Whether some event will eventually trigger the critical factor of self-preservation.

Some of us will pass, some of won’t.

But here is what is most amazing: whether we take the reins and build a strong financial foundation for ourselves or not, at some point the fantasy that was left sleeping quietly in our subconscious minds for so many years … reawakens.

As incongruous or even intellectually silly as it may seem, something deep inside us calls again for a man who’s a provider. A handsome prince on a white horse. We want the shoulder to lean on, whether we need his money or not. We love having the door opened and the restaurant tab disappearing from the table. In short, someone to “take care of it all.”

It’s true that the “Women’s Rights era” we enjoy today represents a very short blip on the timeline of history. How long have we had the right to vote? The right to take out loans in our own names without our husbands’ signature? The right to attend virtually any university or to work in any profession?

From the time women gained full civil rights in 1848, seven generations of women have deliberately pushed, cajoled and demanded changes in family life, in religion, in government, in employment and in education.

So, more than likely, our natural reflex action to find a strong provider harkens back to a purely biological need: the fact that women sought out the men who seemed most able to protect and feed them … and their offspring … in order to perpetuate the species.

Who would think that something this complex would be wrapped up in something so innocent: the story of a beguiling young girl and her fantasies about being swept off her feet by a handsome young man by the name of Prince Charming?

Are you still waiting for yours? Does that fantasy come and go, peeking out in moments of greater financial uncertainty? What role does that childhood fairy tale play in your future plans, especially the long-term ones?

It’s okay that he’s there, because he’s in the subconscious of virtually every woman. The key is to know how real he is … and how much of a fairy tale.

(Whatever you do, be sure you’re taking care of yourself.)

And let me know in the comment section below what you think …

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Bio: Sharon O’Day lost everything at age 53: her home, her business, everything. But how could that be? She’s an expert in global finance and marketing with an MBA from the Wharton School. She has worked with governments, corporations, and individuals … yes, she was the secret “weapon,” if you will, behind many individuals in high places. But yet she did! Since then, Sharon has interviewed countless women and done extensive research to understand how that could have happened, especially with her strong knowledge of numbers and finance.

The surprising answers will be shared in her upcoming book “Money After Menopause.” Today her mission is to show as many women as possible how to become financially free for the long term, through her “Over Fifty and Financially Free” coaching programs. She has developed a step-by-step plan to get past all the obstacles that keep women broke and scared … and from reaching the financial peace of mind they so deserve.

On widows and money … have 5 minutes?  Click to listen:

Who Says Widows Are Old?

Widows are old women, about the age of our grandmothers, right?  Well, not exactly.  Here’s what I found on a blog today:

“I just read that the average age for a widow is 56. Seems rather young to me…”
“I got inducted at 40 …”
“Well I am 58.”
“I am 51 and hubby was 57…”
“I might be the exception. I’m 33 and hubby passed at 34.”
“I was 52, my husband was 53.”

The truth is that today around 90 percent of women outlive their spouses and the average age of a widow in the U.S. is 56.

Why is this important?  Because too many women who are uncomfortable with money hide behind excuses like “Oh, money is a man’s job” or “I’m just not good at money so I leave that to my partner.”  And they’re totally ignorant about their finances.

That’s a recipe for disaster.  For total vulnerability.

Realize that nothing could leave you less prepared to deal with the double whammy of a serious life event such as the death of a mate.  You’d be facing not only the massive grief, disorientation, and loneliness of such a loss, but would also be totally unprepared when it comes to your finances.

You say it couldn’t happen to you?  Well, more than 14 percent of women between 20 and 64 are widows.  So maybe you need to think again.

Nobody wants to think about the unpleasantness of death, whether their own or someone else’s.  But, to my knowledge, none of us is going to come out of this life alive.  So maybe a little time and energy invested in being more of a financial partner with your mate might be a good strategy.

[As a side note, this works in the opposite direction as well, if the woman has taken total control of finances and has left her partner in a vulnerable position.  Lack of knowledge is lack of knowledge; it knows no gender.]

So here are the first conversations and actions to have together:

1.    Find out what each one wants.  What do each of you have as financial goals and how do you define wealth or financial freedom?  What’s important in terms of lifestyle?  What are your hopes and dreams?

2.    Find common ground.  Once everything is on the table (you might be surprised what you hear!), figure out how to come to some common vision so you’re not working at cross purposes.  You won’t have identical goals; after all, you’re two distinct individuals.

3.    Get clear on where you are today.  Find out what has been done already in terms of planning (or not!) by the other party.  Get real clear on where you stand financially as a couple and try to understand exactly what you both have in terms of debts, assets, investments … all the things you’ve probably been hiding from.

4.    Put a plan together.  If one of you is better than the other at putting together a spending plan, fine.  But don’t prepare one in a vacuum.  Talk about it.  Make joint decisions, knowing that some of them will be tough.  It’s okay; you’ll survive whatever they are.

5.    Share the bill-paying function.  Don’t let bill-paying be a lonely function.  Share the responsibility, either alternating or doing it jointly.  This not only keeps the dialog open, and allows you to adjust as circumstances change, but also helps you both stay accountable.

6.    And have the toughest conversation.  As much as you’d like to avoid it, talk about death, about each other’s last wishes.  About what will happen to the children, if there are any.  See an accountant, financial advisor, lawyer and any other counselor to be sure you have all your critical papers in order: wills, trusts, and so forth.  And know where everything is.

Your relationship is a partnership, in every possible way.  Not having an open dialog about money allows part of that partnership to wither.  To cut one person out of the money dialog is disrespectful and disempowering, and you both deserve to have a voice in it.

Besides, when one of you dies, do you really want to leave the other vulnerable at an already difficult time?  Or would it be better to be fully prepared and empowered so at least one part of that painful period can be a smooth transition?

No excuses.  No “we’ll do it next year.”  It’s never too soon.  You’re never too young.

So go ahead, do it now.  (And leave me a comment below on when you’ll have that done …)

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Bio:  Sharon O’Day lost everything at age 53: her home, her business, everything. But how could that be? She’s an expert in global finance and marketing with an MBA from the Wharton School. She has worked with governments, corporations, and individuals … yes, she was the secret “weapon,” if you will, behind many individuals in high places. But yet she did! Since then, Sharon has interviewed countless women and done extensive research to understand how that could have happened, especially with her strong knowledge of numbers and finance.

The surprising answers will be shared in her upcoming book “Money After Menopause.” Today her mission is to show as many women as possible how to become financially free for the long term, through her “Over Fifty and Financially Free” coaching programs.  She has developed a step-by-step plan to get past all the obstacles that keep women broke and scared … and from reaching the financial peace of mind they so deserve.

Our debt and spending addiction … got 5 minutes?  Click to listen:

Audio of Debt and Spending

Have you ever wondered how we got where we are today, in this financial jam? Are you willing to go on a little economics journey with me? I hope so.

This story starts in the late 1970s. Before that, if our parents needed to buy something beyond what they could pay cash for, they went to their local bank for a loan. The banker knew them, knew their reputation and work ethic, in short, knew what the chances were of getting paid back. And loans were usually taken out to start a business or buy a house.

Late in the 1970s, the lending function was extended to the national banks, and suddenly face-to-face acquaintance no longer played a role. To make things more convenient, credit cards became the loan vehicle du jour. Over time, not only were loan and credit card applications faceless, lenders also got more and more lenient as they realized what a gold mine they were sitting on. (Especially when they could charge huge interest rates for people with weaker credit.)

Once everybody’s wallets were fat with credit cards, shopping went from being something people did out of necessity, for food and supplies, to being a form of entertainment. Look at the malls that were built: they had perfected the psychological triggers for impulse shopping. No wonder it was hard to keep your wallet in your pocket!

Eased credit requirements soon extended to the personal mortgage market as well. And, since consumers believed they had the wherewithal (with endless credit cards) to buy whatever their hearts desired, they could also buy whatever house they wanted. So the demand for mortgages grew. And the creditworthiness of borrowers diminished.

As lenders accumulated mortgages, they realized they could “bundle” hundreds of them together and turn them into a bond. They’d “guesstimate” the risk that those mortgages carried. (Remember, borrowers weren’t as qualified as before and defaulting on loans was becoming more common.) And they’d sell the bonds as “mortgage-backed securities.”

Bundling and selling mortgages meant the lenders no longer had to worry about any losses from default, since the bonds had been sold to others. The risk had been pushed off on someone else. So they’d take whatever they got for the sale of the bonds and make that money available for new loans, now maybe with even greater risk. Until we got to “No Doc – No Income Verification” creative financing.

All this easy mortgage money put pressure on the housing market, as more and more people sought to buy. So house prices increased. And the people already sitting in houses, with newly increased value? What did they do? They pulled the new equity out of their houses and spent it. A few may have smartly paid off some higher-interest credit cards, but most used it to buy new flat-screened TVs, bigger cars and bigger toys.

Then one day, triggered by a series of financial events, someone decided to look into those mortgage-backed securities. Hmmmm, housing prices had fallen and foreclosures were up. And massive numbers of those bonds were sitting in portfolios everywhere, worldwide. As banks and financial institutions discovered the real value of the securities they were holding, the whole economic foundation began to tremble.

That was late 2008.

Since then, starting with TARP, we’ve watched an over-sized shell game as money has moved from one bailout mechanism to another. The finger-pointing has been fast and furious … and we’re a long way from being out of the woods.

Here’s something to put it all in perspective: when this story started in the late 1970s, U.S. total household debt was a little under $1.3 trillion. By 2010, it had reached $13.4 trillion. That’s a 931-percent increase, while inflation in that period was only 165 percent. And that $13.4 trillion was made up of $10.1 trillion in mortgages and $3.3 trillion in car loans, student loans, credit card debt, etc.

I know this is a gross oversimplification. And it totally ignores the role of government, greedy bankers, lousy politicians, pensions on steroids, and “who did what to whom.”

But, in my mind, our present crisis started years ago with the demise of personal responsibility, when we stopped having to sit across the desk from our friendly local banker and ask for a loan for anything we couldn’t pay for in cash.

Now, regardless what is done on the global or national scale, it’s time for us to bring back personal responsibility. It’s time to be watching our money decisions: how we spend, how we live, how we save, how we earn.

What do you think?

Let me know in the comments section below …

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Bio:  Sharon O’Day lost everything at age 53: her home, her business, everything. But how could that be? She’s an expert in global finance and marketing with an MBA from the Wharton School. She has worked with governments, corporations, and individuals … yes, she was the secret “weapon,” if you will, behind many individuals in high places. But yet she did! Since then, Sharon has interviewed countless women and done extensive research to understand how that could have happened, especially with her strong knowledge of numbers and finance.

The surprising answers will be shared in her upcoming book “Money After Menopause.” Today her mission is to show as many women as possible how to become financially free for the long term, through her “Over Fifty and Financially Free” coaching programs.  She has developed a step-by-step plan to get past all the obstacles that keep women broke and scared … and from reaching the financial peace of mind they so deserve.